AARONOLOGY: The Study of Aaron

Overwhelming AOL Job Listings

2008-04-02T07:32:00.001-07:00

The trusty folk at AOL have informed me of the ten jobs that pay more than $30 an hour, full-time!
They are all fantastic career opportunities for me.
They include: Aircraft Maintenance Supervisor, Elevator Mechanic, MRI Technologist, and Ultrasonographer (puts the goop on the pregnant lady’s stomach then does the ultrasound... I can do that! I just have to point to the screen and say, "And there is your baby’s didgeredoo," b/c nobody knows what the hell they’re looking at anyway!).

Auto Erotica

2008-03-13T05:51:00.000-07:00

Thank you, faithful readers, for checking in!

From AOL.com homepage-- headlines:

Eight Great Auto Questions
By TOM TORBJORNSEN
http://autos.aol.com/article/auto-repair/_a/eight-great-auto-questions/20070322224109990001

1. Why do brakes squeal or squeak?
"Brake squeal is the result of a high-pitched vibration of the brake pads."
A Ned Beatty squeal is the result of a redneck who liked his "purty mouth."

"Brake squeal [like Ned Beatty squeal] is the result of the composition of the brake pads being too hard." But if the brake pads were too soft, well, that happens to a lot of cars, really it's no big deal. You'll get his motor running soon.
Finally, the article concludes, "Brake pads come from the factory with anti-rattle clips, pad insulator shims, and sometimes a silicone backing that literally glues the pad to the caliper."
I have no sexual analogy (ha ha, ANALogy), I just understood about 4 words in that sentence.
Doesn't "shims and calipers" sound like an English delicacy?
You gotta have your shims, calipers, full thrust tramperpods that secure the lexicon prawns to the chad and the fallopian tubes.

Other White Meat

2008-02-20T08:24:00.000-08:00

Do pigs give each other human-y back rides?
Do piglets keep their pig money in people-y banks?
When the farmer has sex with a pig, then kills him and eats him, does he file the pig as a dependant or as an expenditure?

Under-Age Text

2008-02-20T08:18:00.000-08:00

A couple more teachers have been found putting their hanky in their students' pankies.
Uncool.
But now a lot of sexual predators (where's Sexual Schwarzenegger when you need him?) are pursuing their sexual prey via text messaging on cell phones.
With those tiny buttons. Too difficult.

"Show me your pens!"
"Squeeze my tots!"
"Lick my aunt!"

The PR people of Bic, Ore-Ida and mothers' sisters had no comment.

My Mother's Logic

2008-01-30T18:20:00.000-08:00

Zack: Bill is on his way here now.
Mom: Oh my God, I don't even have make-up on!
Zack: Mom, Bill is gay.
Mom: All the more reason.

Huh???

Yours Truly on YouTube... again

2008-01-11T11:43:00.001-08:00

What's that? You want ANOTHER video of me on youtube?
You sure are a glutton for... talent!!

World War 1 Guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs_lAFQgQro&feature=related

More of Me

2008-01-11T11:42:00.000-08:00

Film Noir Babysitter:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czJIYX4sjxQ

Fresh Prince of B.S.

2008-01-10T21:20:00.001-08:00

The beginning of 1997's "Men In Black":
Will Smith chases an alien through the streets of Manhattan, into the Guggenheim Museum, shooting the glass out of the front door to get in.

My roommate: "Shouldn't an alarm go off? I mean, it IS the Guggenheim."

A TMBS moment:
"This Movie's Bullshit!"

That is why I can't get into the movie about the Fresh Prince chasing extra-terrestrials around New York City... the faulty security system at the Guggenheim!

Lost in Translation

2008-01-09T22:05:00.000-08:00

After graduating from college, I sat down with my brother to reminisce about our respective educations.
"S0" he said, "You've been going to Jewish school for 17 years. Nearly two decades of Jewish education... So speak some Hebrew."
"No," I hesitated. "I don't want to."
"Come on, do it!" he insisted.
"No."
"Let's hear some Hebrew! Hebrew, come on! Hebrew!!"
And I sputterd out the first Hebrew that came to mind:
"Oo-lie cookie vagina."
For those of you unaccostomed to the language of the slaves,
Translated into English that means "Maybe, cookie vagina."

17 year of Hebrew book learnin', and that is what it comes down to:
"Maybe, cookie vagina."
I couldn't even DECIDE!
"MAYBE cookie, vagina."

... Come to think of it, that is a tough decision...
Both are moist, addictive, and leave your hands all messy.
And if you eat too much of either, you'll need innoculations later on.

She's a poet

2008-01-08T20:13:00.001-08:00

"Hi Sweetie. There are a lot of guys here.
Don't worry, I only have eyes for you.
I stole them, like Tom Cruise did in Minority Report."

-- DSB

"For Better or For Worse"

2008-01-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

From IMDB.com:
"A new biography of Tom Cruise claims he was encouraged to end his marriage to Nicole Kidman by Scientology bosses. Andrew Morton's controversial new book alleges that in 1999 Cruise took a Scientology course that would identify 'those in his life who create problems and difficulties.' Kidman was identified as such."
(http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/2008-01-08/#2)

Really???
A wife creates problems and difficulties for her husband?
Yup.
It's called Marriage!!!
And vice-versa.

A recent study shows men speak an average of 15,000 words a day.
Women speak an average of 30,000 words a day.
Hmmmmm.
Why?
Woman: "Because we have to repeat everything for our dumb-ass men."
Man: "What?"
Woman: "See."
Man: "No, it's because men have this pesky habit-- once we finish making our point, we stop speaking. Women don't let such minutae bother them."

Drugs and Kisses

2008-01-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

I am too lazy to be a drug user.
Alcohol is the drug for the lazy man-- it's accessible and it's legal, but most importantly it's easy to use. All you need are opposable thumbs to unscrew the cap. Then ingest.

I could never use heroin because it's too much like cooking.
I can't even microwave a slice of pizza without burning the roof of my mouth on the cheese.
How the heck am I supposed to handle a lighter and a crooked spoon simultaneously, then use a needle and tie a belt simultaneously?!

Jesus, this is a team-sport drug.

Say what you will about hard drug users, they have their work cut out for them. If anyone can multi-task, it's them!
That must be why so many rock stars meet their demise from hard drugs: guitar strumming uses two hands, just like rolling a joint or shooting up heroin-- Jimi Hendrix, Dee Dee Ramone, Hank Williams, Kurt Cobain.
But people write with one hand, and you only need one hand to hold a drink, that's why writers become alcoholics-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemigway, Jack Kerouac, John Steinbeck, Dylan Thomas.

You know who never smoked so much as one cigarette in her life?
Rosie O'Donnell.
But you should avoid drugs anyway.

And if you avoid drugs and booze you'll save money, and any "musician" or "writer" needs all the money they can get.

The Ragman's Son

2008-01-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

just saw a small part of the Democratic Candidates Debate.

I've seen enough!

John Edwards (from South Carolina) said that his father was a millworker for 37 years.
He's got MY vote.
He's just like me. Except my dad worked in Phialdelphia public schools for 37 years.

Same thing.

My pop gristed the brains of young people, separating the wheat from the chaff, even though the chaff thought "Of Mice and Men" was a biography of Walt Disney.
Also, the chaff tried to stab him.

I'm Gonna Live Forever

2008-01-02T11:57:00.000-08:00

What it means to be famous:

Kids will read about you in history books!

Your name will be in up lights!

Kids will read about you in books that light up!

Y'know, like those sneakers that were outlawed by the NBA, so whenever a librarian drops the book about you, it will light up, thereby scaring away cockroaches!

Blow Hard

2008-01-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

I'm learning to play the harmonica.
It's the perfect instrument for those of you who like the sound of, but don't have the hand-eye coordination for, bagpipes!

I like breathing, but I wish it sounded more annoying!

The kazoo is for morons,
the trumpet is for geniuses,
but the harmonica is the lukewarm musical porridge for the everyman.

Reality Check

2007-12-31T16:42:00.000-08:00

Acronym time:

A "T.M.B.S. Moment"

It occurs whenever anyone watches any movie.
A "This Movie's Bull Shit" Moment.

Wait and watch for it. Someone will sit up, 45 minutes into watching "Transformers" ("There's no way that 2 hot chicks would know so much about cars and computer codes"), "Toy Story 2" ("No toy would be packaged with that many accessories") or "300" ("You're saying not ONE of those Spartans is gay? But look how fit they are!") and exclaim, "This Movie's Bull Shit!"

The cinematic illusion is broken, and only a grounded, realistic indie film can rebuild it (i.e., "Weekend at Bernie's"... "Wait a minutes... that guy looks more like a Garry than a Bernie. This Movie's Bull Shit!")

What about your TMBS moments?

Snoozing's My Religion

2007-12-30T20:31:00.000-08:00

You can never brag about a nap! What's wrong with this country?

That's why I love Mexicans-- the siesta!
Now that's my kind of culture.

Also, big hats.

And whenever someone calls you and wakes you up, they can hear it in your voice.

"Oh, did I wake you?"

And we all lie.

"No no. I was up."

When we REALLY want to say,

"OF COURSE you woke me up! You called me at the ungodly hour of 2 in the afternoon!"

It's Just a Hole!

2007-12-30T20:19:00.000-08:00

True exchange.

Bill: "Grandma wants to see the Grand Canyon before she dies."

Jeff: "Now? It's January! It's a terrible time to visit the Grand Canyon."

Bill: "Yeah, you're right. It'll be better to visit the Grand Canyon after she's dead."

After Math

2007-12-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

Geometry was the only math class at which I excelled. All those angles and whatnot.

Probably because the word "perpendicular" sounds a lot like "poop and dick...ular"

I've been Bear-alyzed

2007-12-28T09:14:00.000-08:00

I was watching the National Geographic channel today.

(I know what you're thinking... they have THAT as a channel? Does it show those topless tribeswomen with rings in their noses?)

The program I watched discussed bears, specifically black bears of Alaska (or Ursus americanus americanus).

Apparently these bears can
swim over 5 miles in the icy waters of Alaska,
hear twice as far as humans
smell 100 times farther
climb faster than they can run,
and they can run over 25 MPH.

So why the hell do we have teddy bears? What's so cute and cuddly about that??
A bear would maul the hell out of Clifford the big, red dog.
Eviscerate-Me Elmo.

Black bears are the Jason Bourne of the animal kingdom. Now we must manufacture Matt Damon dolls for our children to cuddle.
What's so weird about that?

"I have no gift to bring..."

2007-12-27T16:40:00.000-08:00

I typed in "christmas" in CNN.com's website search bar, here's what came up, in this order:

All About Christmas

www.Family.com

Free Xmas Backgrounds

Christmas.Screensavers.com

See Thru Lingerie

www.MatureLingerie.info

First of all, the priorities are out of whack!
This is what the three wise men should've brought Jesus (instead dumb ol' gold, myrrh and Frankenberry) :
Family activities,
a Computer and
Lingerie!

("Let he who is without crotchless panties cast the first stone")

Spare the Rod...

2007-12-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

I just saw a commercial for a brand-spankin' new thermometor for children!

I remember a few years ago there was an "in-the-ear" thermometer (a far cry from my youth, which involved "in-the-rear" temperature taking... 98.6 degrees and 100% fabulous!).
This caused no pain, but was still awkward, since some people have ear issues (I blame the predominace of "wet willies" in our playgrounds).

Next there was an "under-the-armpit" thermometer. This was awesome! You just stick a metal and plastic thing under the pit for 5 seconds and BAM! Temperature!
Well, apparently this was no good, either. I guess prepubescent kids didn't feel comfortable taking off their shirts for the school nurse (or, if she was busy, the school janitor who was in his work-release program).

So now there is a NEW thermometer! An Infra-red Thermometer!
With this one, you point it at the child's forehead for 3 seconds, it emits a glowing red dot, and BAM!
Your kid has a bindi! ... Or looks like he is about to be assassinated.
Temperature taken.

Supposedly it works. So now you can take your child's temperature without having to touch him or her. Oh, happy day! Pass the Purell hand sanitizer. We are desensitizing our kids to the real world, weakening their immune system, while at the same time exposing them to a plethora of violence, sex and "High School Musicals."
I'm not saying we should shove horse turds into the bottom of their footie-pajamas, but we can't raise them to live in little plastic bubbles either (of course, if used a little plastic bubble then the kids wouldn't be here to begin with).

It's like allowing chuldren to watch reality television.

And for the Consumer Reports, I did a price comparison at "securebaby.com"--
The Infra-red thermometer runs $83, plus shipping.
Meanwhile, you can get a combination underarm, rectal and oral for just $29.
Now, I'm not a Vegas hooker, but that sounds like somebody is getting screwed... and it's in the face.

Mystery Smut

2007-12-24T09:58:00.001-08:00

Idea for a porno:

"Sherlock John Holmes "

...and the Case of the Missing Pickle

"Rear entry, my dear Watson."

Whom Would Jesus Do?

2007-12-21T08:45:00.000-08:00

So all anyopne can talk about in this season of Jesus and presents is actually a gift the Lord has given to everyone:
The Spears Girls!

... and how easy it seems to be to impregnate them!

To be fair, they are excellent Jesus figures:
Jamie Lynn is "the Son,"
Britney is "The Father"
and "The Holy Spirit" is the nebulous, fleeting memory of both of their hymens.
(sigh)
"Come all ye faithful"...
("ye faithful" refers to the fellas who bed the Spears "ho ho ho"s)

...Actually, a manger was probably the 2000-year-old, Bethlehem equivalent of a trailer park today. So really, Jamie Lynn could be the next "Virgin Mary-Lou."

Two Drink Minimum

2007-12-20T09:13:00.000-08:00

I was recently labeled a "two beer queer."

This refers to my low level of alcohol tolerance (the number drinks I require to acheive inebriation).
First of all, ONE of those beers was a CapriSun laced with RedBull.

Secondly, I take umbrage with this moniker (and I take umbrellas with monocles!).
The gay community deserves more credit than that, and most homosexuals require more alcohol to get sloshed (they LOVE alcohol SO much they have their own bars... and their own parades, the ideal venue for being drunk).

Also, if one is using queer as Noah Webster intended (adj., "differing in some odd way from what is usual or normal"), it's still lousy. This assumes that MOST people require MORE than two beers to get intoxicated.
Well, I only drink with toddlers!
And those chubby Baby Einsteins couldn't even finish a Mike's Hard Cranberry-Lemonade from their Cookie Monster sip-cups...
and they were still crapping themselves!

Talk about lightweights!
Totally disoriented. They couldn't even tell me how to get... how to get to Sesame Street!

"Just Say No"

2007-12-19T10:58:00.000-08:00

Which of these is NOT a slang term for drugs:
a) Blow
b) Crack
c) African Bush
d) Rimjob
e) Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger

"Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree..."

2007-12-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

"It's the toilet for the dog to pee"
(What do YOU think the next verse is?)

What is the history of the Christmas tree tradition? (or "Jesus' yuletide shire of love")
Let us go to the most trusted news source I can reach from my chair that isn't CNN.com:
WIKIPEDIA!!!!

Certain trees held great symbolic significance for Germanic tribes. It seems Pagan kings in Germany would sacrifice trees at the sacred groves every ninth year (Duh!).
The mighty Saint Boniface (That saint is so funny!) attempted to Christianize the tribes by inocrporating cone-shaped evergreen trees which, because of their triangular shape, could symbolize the Trinity of The Father, The Son and Curly. I suppose he could've incorportated spanakopita or sea captain hats made out of newspaper, since they are triangluar too.

No word as to whether these Germanic tribes created any Hanukkah bushes... I'm guessing nein.
Actually, many Christmas customs come from Germanic paganism: Stocking-stuffing, Christmas hams, Yule Logs, elements of Santa Claus and Yule Goats (which apparently can be found on the same aisle as Yule Logs at your local grocer).

To learn more about Christmas, accept Jesus into your heart and become a German pagan!

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_tree)

"...They've lasted for so many years"

2007-12-18T11:57:00.000-08:00

According to my men in the field (CNN.com), due to severe ice storms in the South, there may be 20,000 homes in rural Kansas and Oklahoma that will not have their electricity working by Christmas.

What does this mean?

That thousands might have to celebrate Christmas without Christmas lights (which is like celebrating the birth of Jesus with no coniferous German fir tree).
Now, I'm not saying that this is a sign that God hates Christmas and loves Hanukkah, but...

According to one Oklahoma boy, the 7-year-old Josue Velasquez, it IS!

"We've gone eight days without lights," the boy said. "We just sit on the couch and wait for the lights to come on."
Y'know, I recall another group of people who needed light for eight days. Remember what they did? Hm?? Oh yeah, they beat the crap out of Anthony Quinn! Maccabees:1, Zorba:0.
My Big Fat Greek Ass-Whoopin'!

Come on, People of the South, join the winning team! Over two thousand years ago, Jews in Ancient Israel learned that oil is the solution to everybody's problems, and it's still true to this day!... especially in that part of the world.

The Daring Donut Dispatcher of Due Process

2007-12-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

This has just been releasedd by CNN.com (motto:FOX NEWS meets Ryan Seacrest):

"Donut clerk: 'I smacked robber by instinct'"

That's right. If you go to YouTube, you can see security camera footage of an Elmwood, NJ Dunkin' Donuts employee repeatedly whacking a potential thief over the head with a cermaic mug used for tips.
When the employee opened the register to complete a transaction, the perp (who is still on the loose, presumably pilfering Krispy Kremes) reached into the register. Then the employee dished out a mug of jelly-filled justice!

As Spicoli would say, "Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!"

If apprehended, the suspect will be held without bail and without sprinkles.

The employee's name (I am NOT making this up)... Dustin Hoffmann.

(http://www.kwwl.com/News/index.php?ID=19188)

END OF DAYS!

2007-12-12T09:06:00.001-08:00

Today is the final day of Hanukkah.

Yes, Hanukkah... that magical holiday where we remember the night Jesus and his reindeer had just enough oil to go 88 MPH and return to the year 1985.

(as it is written in the four Gospels, including the controversial Book of Raphael... he was cool, but rude)

Un-BEAR-able Teacher Freed!

2007-12-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness!

Last week, Gillian Gibbons, 54, the teacher in Sudan who was arrested for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Mohammed", returned home to London after 15 days in a Sudanese prison.
She was pardoned by Sudan's president, Omar al-Bashir.

What a swell guy, that Omar!

15 days in prison??
All it took was 15 days to let her go!

15 days??? That's almost 2 Hanukkahs!
... as I'm sure Omar is aware.

This makes me think twice about naming my testicles Uday and Qusai.

... And I think we all know which is which.

Cable Nitwit Network

2007-12-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

Just a summary of the headlines from CNN.com... In the words of Dave Barry, I am NOT making these up:

"30,000 hear Oprah stump for Obama"
"Do celebrities sway voters?"
"600-pound tiger gets root canal"
"Naked men shop for Skittles"

CNN... Your source for retarded news.

P.S. Should Oprah be "stumping" another man? Steadman vs. Barack-- cage match!

Subway Candy

2007-12-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

Y'know those urban youths who walk through subway cars, selling big boxes of candy to "raise money for their basketball teams" or "just to keep [them] off the streets"...
They ALWAYS have "M&M: Peanut" left. Not "Peanut M&Ms", mind you, but "M&M: Peanut."

Peculiar.
Why don't people like Peanut M&Ms?
They'll eat a "Chunky" or an "Almond Joy" or even "Good and Plenty" (licorice? Come ON!) , but not "M&M: Peanut??"

Also, what ever happened to Chicklets?

Who Needs Christmas? Light the Menorah!

2007-12-07T07:42:00.000-08:00

HANUKKAH!
It's great for the little ones!
Hanukkah has four things kids love more than anything else:

-snow
-presents
-chocolate
and
-fire!

... and socks?

"Thanks for noticing me"

2007-12-06T08:17:00.000-08:00

Eeyore is the most depressed character in all of children's literature and cartoons.
We need to set him up with Kanga for a night (and we know it's a done deal because Lil' Roo is proof that she puts out). He would be happier than Tigger on crack (which is redundant).

P.S. Possible title for an Eeyore porno: "Hundred Acre Wood"

Never Say Die

2007-12-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

You know a relationship has issues when your only role playing game is Sloth and Chunk from "The Goonies"

"Hey, you guuuuys!"

King Kongstein

2007-12-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

I have just been informed that the Empire State Building will have its outside lights tinted blue and white tonight in honor of the first night Hanukkah, which begins at nightfall.

I couldn't be more proud.

Now if only the Statue of Liberty could be holding a giant dreidel... or light a Hanukkiah the size of Madison Square Garden.

Maybe replace the heads on Mt. Rushmore with Woody Allen, Steven Spielberg, Albert Einstein and a giant matzoh ball.

Please, your suggestions?

Eucharist? Euchan't be serious!

2007-12-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

So if wine is the blood of Christ,
then eggnog would be His...?

Woah. Too far.

Grand Theft Beverage: Vice City

2007-12-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

Coffee and Alcohol--
They both taste wretched, which is why we try to cover up the taste.
If alcohol and coffee actually tasted good, we wouldn't spend so much money paying frustrated actors wearing green baseball caps and false smiles to add cinnamon, caramel and chocolate syrup to our java and paying frustrated musicians wearing tight shirts and body piercings to add soda, orange juice, cherries, and tiny umbrellas to our booze.

But both are viewed as medicinal, hence the soaring price tags not deterring the soaring sales.
$12 for a Strawberry Daiquiri?
"What a day! I NEED a drink."
$5.45 for a Grande, No Whip, Caramel Macchiato?
"Oh, I NEED my coffee. I'm dead without it."

And both beverages force you visit the bathroom not long afterwards. Open up your mind instead of your wallet... and an extra bodily orifice.
Just because you're bending over the toilet doesn't mean you have to take it up the ass.

"Bad-Ass Grandpa" Rap

2007-12-02T13:22:00.000-08:00

Penned by yours truly and Zack:

I'm gonna school y'all- class is in session
My old ass lived through the Great Depression.

I'm not from the 'hood and I may not be black
I'm from Plainview, Long Island, and a nice cul-de-sac.

I dig Beyonce and her sexy curlz
And I love that Blanche from the Golden Girls.

I like P-Diddy, and also Matlock

My back is stiffer than my shriveled old--

Grandpa Grandpa! Whadday say?

I'm so old I might die today!

I'm a badass grandpa- and I'm on health care,
If you like Metamucil wave your cane in the air.

My hearing is bad and my testicles sag.
I traded my .45 for a colostomy bag.

I like my bitches down and dirty,
I like my dinner at about four-thirty.

I got mad skills
And I take mad pills
Don't make me trip
Cause I'll break my damn hip!

(Whataya mean I ain't hip?)

I like Jay-Z and half-sour pickles.
For your birthday I'll give you a handful of nickels.
(In my day a nickel was a lot of money )

I can still bust a rhyme, even though I'm old
I got false teeth, but they're all gold.

Prune juice (damn!)! That's some mighty fine stuff.
I complain cause me kids don't call me enough.

It's a wheelchair (What?) – not a joint I'm rollin'
I got diverticulitis in my over-sized colon.

I wear an I.D. bracelet and not a gold watch
You can suck my dick while I suck a butterscotch

Pop a cap in my ass, if you think you're a sniper,
That bullet's gotta get past my a-dult diaper.

What- speak up! Don't raise your voice to me

I get jiggy then I have a warm cup of tea.

To the players in this piece , y'all better beware

I just put rims on my pimp wheel chair.

I'm a bad ass grandpa, I'm nobody's fool

Stand back and watch as I kick it old school!

Metaphysical Masturbation?

2007-11-30T14:07:00.000-08:00

This just in from wsbtv.com, local news station for Gwinnett County, Georgia
(http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14729779/detail.html):

"Elijah Canady and Kelley Kirkley want you to know their home is wholesome and their cable is not kinky, even though nearly a dozen pornographic movie titles were on their cable bill. This was part of an unexplained recent rise in unwarranted charges to numerous cable subscribers in the Georgia area.
Canady said they did not order any of the movies.

'It’s only me and her,' said Elijah Canady. 'There’s no kids, there’s no dog, there’s no ghost that’s wanting to watch this type of stuff.'"

Hmmm. Interesting. Methinks the man of the house protests too much. His reasoning went from himself and his wife to children, to house pets, to... (cough) ghosts!

Of course! Logical progression! If I didn't order "The Golden CumpAss," it must have been the work of the Undead!

Now I picture a horny old ghost (played by the late Ray Walston or Don Knotts) touching his metaphysical self while watching "Stick it in my Rear Window."

I blame that sexy Patrick Swayze and his questionable pottery-making methods.

Would ghosts really NEED to watch cable porn in Gwinnett County, Georgia? Wouldn't they have much better smut in the Afterlife? Like watching a three-way with Joan of Arc, George Burns and Tupac?!

Go Diego, Go!

2007-11-29T16:58:00.000-08:00

At the doctor's office, when not keeping up with current events through "People" magazine (Jake Gyllenhaal wears baseball hats and drinks coffee!) I read children's literature. Time for a book review:

"Go, Diego! Go!: Diego's Sea Turtle Adventure!"
FYI, Diego is the puckish, Spanish lad who chills with Dora the Explorer.
Here is the tagline for the book: "Will Diego find Luis in time to safely bring him back to his reef?"

"Who is Luis?" I hear you hypothetically asking yourself.
Idiot! Luis is a Hawksbill sea turtle!
Duh!
"But Aaron," you insist, "Isn't Luis a Leatherback sea turtle?
No, Retard! Hawksbill sea turtles have brown-yellow shells with pointy beaks and Leatherback sea turtles have black and white shells and blunt beaks. Is there any limit to your stupidity?
Thank you, Diego. Thank you.

I should've guessed that I wouldn't identify with this book. Here is the first sentence:
"Help! Help! Ayudenme!" Diego heard as his hang glider sailed over the rainforest canopy."

Finally, a kids' book I can relate to! I try to use numerous Spanish interjections while sailing over rainforest canopies in my hang glider!
Ay dios mio!

Cute, Cuddly, Infidel!

2007-11-28T08:02:00.000-08:00

From CNN.com:
A British teacher was arrested in Khartoum, Sudan after allowing her class to name a teddy bear "Mohammed." She has been charged by authorities with offending religion, state-run media in Sudan report. In Sudan, insulting Islam is punishable with 40 lashes and a jail term of up to six months."

Yikes. I guess the class should've gone with their second choice: "Winnie the (Scheming) Jew."

"Take Some Anti-Depressants, Charlie Brown!"

2007-11-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

I caught a little bit of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on TV recently.
What a bummer. That bald, meloncholy goober brings me down every damn year.
He needs to get his Peanuts off with that Cute, Little Red-Haired Girl.

Oh, and Lucy's a bitch.

The Doctor Is In

2007-11-27T18:55:00.000-08:00

I had a dentist appointment yesterday, which means two things:

1. I got to catch up on my "People" Magazine reading (oooh, photos of Kate Hudson leaving a Target store, she's just like me!)

and 2. I had my mouth open 2 inches away from another man. At first I felt weird that this relative stranger was staring into my mouth, but on the other hand I got to look straight up his nose, so it's all good.

It's Been A Hard Day's Night

2007-11-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

"I've been working like a dog."

I take umbrage with this simile. No dog I've known has been a hard worker. In fact, most dogs make Garfield look like a puma on acid. Maybe not sled dogs or St. Bernards in the frozen tundra of Anchorage, but most dogs' daily schedules consist of licking themselves, sniffing poop and becoming amorous with someone's leg.

My dog wouldn't even beg for food. She would demand it from the other room. Then my father would ask, "How come the dog's farts smell so bad?" And we would explain to him, "Because you feed her what you eat."

Black and White

2007-11-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

Me: They should make more black and white movies now.
Zack: Really?
Me: Sure. Or maybe just combine the two best black and white movies of the last 15 years!
Zack: Which are...?
Me: Schindler's List and Clerks.
Zack: Hmmm... "One more. I could've sucked one more dick."

Sub-human

2007-11-21T07:38:00.001-08:00

As people descend into the depths of the subway, their level of morality descends as well. As they leave the earth's surface, they leave their humanity behund.

As H.G. Wells would say, they transform from Eloi to Morlock.

I saw a guy taking a shit NEXT TO a trash can on a subway platform.
And there is no going back.

Have A Nice Day

2007-11-20T10:49:00.000-08:00

Instead of asking someone,
"How was your day?"
I think we should say,
"Have you stepped in shit?"
Because it means the same thing: If you did not step in shit, then your day was not that bad (because you can always say, "Hey, at least I didn't step in shit!"). But if you did step in shit, then that is exactly how your day has been: shitty. Then there is the whole metaphorical slant: Your Soul has stepped in the Shit of Life (also, it's pun-tastic-- Sole!).

Have a not-shit-covered day!

Touched for the Very First-- oops! Sorry.

2007-11-19T07:19:00.000-08:00

I have a beef with the phrase "Lose your virginity."

"To lose" something implies it was an accident. You lose your keys, your socks, your bus ticket.
But by most guys' accounts, not only was losing their virginity not an accident, it was the most deliberate act of their lives. It is planned, orchestrated, over-analyzed and attempted several times.

But "losing" is also negative-- You lose your mind, your will to live, your lunch. And by most women's accounts, this seems to describe their first time quite accurately: The first time is crazy, disappointing and it induces nausea.

The Woodpecker Finch of the Galapagos Islands

2007-11-18T15:41:00.000-08:00

I just learned what Charles Darwin learned 150 years ago: there is a Woodpecker Finch indigenous to the Galapagos Islands that is off the hook! His tongue is too short to reach grubs inside tree branches, so what does he do?
He breaks off a tiny twig, holds it in his beak, and pokes around under the tree bark until some grubs come up.

That's right-- the bird makes tools! A veritable ornithological MacGuyver!

Finally! Now the Woodpecker Finch can be the lock-picker on a motley crew of international jewel thieves, all he needs is a squirrel who's good with explosives, a monkey on roller skates and George Clooney.

Sympathy for the Devil

2007-11-17T09:45:00.001-08:00

"Hello, Mrs. Gloria Snarfblatt? I am Mr. Oglethorpe. I teach your son Julian at Westcherry Academy."

"Oh, hello. And how is my little Julian doing?"

"Well, I must ask you Mrs. Snarfblatt... did He pull out?

"... What?"

"I'm sorry, allow me to elaborate. What I mean is... When Lucifer, the Dark Prince, was mounting you from behind (Cerebus-style, as He would put it), I am assuming He was not wearing a Christ Condom with holy water as spermicidal lube; rather, as He was mounting you and was about to climax, did He pull out? Did He extract His throbbing, flaming, three-headed, pitchfork-shaped cock from your nether regions and then deposit a healthy dose of Satanic splooge on your lower back, causing your 3rd degree burns as His unholy jizm sizzled on your flesh? Is that how it happened? Because there is no other rational explanation for your child, who --I am convinced-- is the spawn of Satan! So, allow me to ask again: Did He pull out?"

An Immature Time-Waster (i.e., this blog)

2007-11-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

A pal of mine (mikesunderwhere.blogspot) just introduced me to a marvelous game:

"I like my men like I like my..."

And insert any noun you happen to be discussing. Here's what we started with:
"I like my men like I like my wrist watches..."

And here's what we came up with:
"With two hands and a leather strap on."

Immature Innuendo? Yup. Clever? Somewhat. The kind of thing that gets stuck in your head? Let's hope so!

Technology and Literacy

2007-11-14T07:23:00.001-08:00

I have just been informed that my cell phone, which doesn't take photos, access the internet or grill bacon whilst letting the excess grease run off) is an "old model!"
(scoff scoff)...
How is that possible? Cell phones have only been around for, like, 2 years! Remember Zack Morris? HE had an old model-- a cell phone the size of a shoe box (but it still didn't get him his father's attention)!

Technology! I remember in third grade when we had to start TYPING UP papers on a COMPUTER! Weird! Nothing else from third grade is useful anymore: cursive handwriting, multiplication, and "Sarah Plain and Tall" (An Amish Giant? Hey Sarah, either join the WNBA or slap on some rouge).

Third Grade Reading List:
What about the book "Babar Tramples Madeline!"
or
"Encyclopedia Brown has a three-way with the Hardy Boys then makes a Superfudge on Nancy Drew's chest... while the Boxcar Children watch."

Animal Adolescence

2007-11-13T07:51:00.001-08:00

I wonder if people who are raised by wolves also go through a period of Lupine Puberty, awkwardly howling off-key at the moon and shamefully licking themselves behind a bush.

Measurements

2007-11-12T07:11:00.000-08:00

When does a dollop become a glob?
Is a chunk less than a hunk?
Are oodles more than scads?
When does a teensy bit turn into a smidgen?
Is a wad a part of a gob?
How many clumps make up a cluster?

Ponder!

Charity

2007-11-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

I support all charities, especially Locks for Love. It speaks to my strengths-- any time laziness can be construed as philanthropy.

#1 Invention for #2

2007-11-09T08:26:00.000-08:00

I just saw the most intriguing program, often labeled an informative commercial, that informed me of a wonderful product, and now I must share such information with you: "The Almighty Cleanse."
This was not a fancy way of referring to the Rapture, the inevitable Apocalypse whereby the Lord Almighty will cleanse the earth of the damned and Fraggles shall feast on the flesh of the wicked. "The Almighty Cleanse" refers to a colon-cleansing pill that helps you shit your troubles away.
If you're like me, you're probably named Zack. Also, the only point of reference for colon-cleansing you might have is from the film "The Nutty Professor" (starring Eddie Murphy, Oscar snubee for his flawless work in "Norbit"). So allow me to explain, in scientific terms, what this pill does... ahem (clearing of throat)... It makes you shit.
According to the program, "The Almighty Cleanse" can supposedly "flatten your tummy, clear your mind and relieve depression and stress" simply by inducing more bowel movements. Well, slap my ass and call me Douchebag! All this time I thought you fixed that stuff with exercise, medication, and psychological counseling, but it turns out that the real answer was right under my taint!
I also learned that the average male carries between 6 and 16 pounds of fecal matter inside his person during the course of one day. Sweet Baby James! It's like I'm pregnant with shit twins! I don't know about you, but I am going to change my life for the better and get myself a bottle of "The Almighty Cleanse" today. Right after I pick up an extra plunger.

Mobsters

2007-11-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

HBO's "The Sopranos" was a ground-breaking T.V. show that creatively merged family values with swear words. But since it's off the air now I think it is safe to say that "The Sopranos" put more homely people on television than "COPS". They are all very talented actors who made me afraid of New Jersey residents, but the men all look like Dick Tracy villains and the women look like Buddy Hackett in a wig.

Australia

2007-11-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

Autralian Imports to the U.S. :
* Crocodiles
* The phrase "That's not a knife..."
* Dunkaroos.

Country of Criminals? Or Utopia?

Being cool

2007-11-07T10:51:00.000-08:00

It would be nice to be cool.
Once, just once in my life I want to walk away from something that just exploded... calmly remove a pair of sunglasses from my jacket... and put the sunglasses on my face. Just once! Picture it: Explosion behind me, my cool unflinching person taking out sunglasses and putting them on (Of course, they would have to be prescription sunglasses since I'm near-sighted). Universe, I'm waiting.

T Rex

2007-11-06T18:55:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog. You must really want to avoid working. I, myself, do not frequent an office... except the office of my own mind! Let us begin:

The Tyrannosarus Rex was the fiercest predator the world has ever known. It also had incredibly tiny hands and an incredibly large mouth. This leads me to believe that the Tyrannosarus Rex gave very mediocre handjobs, but extraordinary blowjobs. By this reasoning, we can safely assume that the Tyrannosarus Rex was extremely unpopular in eighth grade, but extremely popular in ninth grade.

Science!