The trusty folk at AOL have informed me of the ten jobs that pay more than $30 an hour, full-time!
They are all fantastic career opportunities for me.
They include: Aircraft Maintenance Supervisor, Elevator Mechanic, MRI Technologist, and Ultrasonographer (puts the goop on the pregnant lady’s stomach then does the ultrasound... I can do that! I just have to point to the screen and say, "And there is your baby’s didgeredoo," b/c nobody knows what the hell they’re looking at anyway!).
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Auto Erotica
Thank you, faithful readers, for checking in!
From AOL.com homepage-- headlines:
Eight Great Auto Questions
By TOM TORBJORNSEN
http://autos.aol.com/article/auto-repair/_a/eight-great-auto-questions/20070322224109990001
1. Why do brakes squeal or squeak?
"Brake squeal is the result of a high-pitched vibration of the brake pads."
A Ned Beatty squeal is the result of a redneck who liked his "purty mouth."
"Brake squeal [like Ned Beatty squeal] is the result of the composition of the brake pads being too hard." But if the brake pads were too soft, well, that happens to a lot of cars, really it's no big deal. You'll get his motor running soon.
Finally, the article concludes, "Brake pads come from the factory with anti-rattle clips, pad insulator shims, and sometimes a silicone backing that literally glues the pad to the caliper."
I have no sexual analogy (ha ha, ANALogy), I just understood about 4 words in that sentence.
Doesn't "shims and calipers" sound like an English delicacy?
You gotta have your shims, calipers, full thrust tramperpods that secure the lexicon prawns to the chad and the fallopian tubes.
From AOL.com homepage-- headlines:
Eight Great Auto Questions
By TOM TORBJORNSEN
http://autos.aol.com/article/auto-repair/_a/eight-great-auto-questions/20070322224109990001
1. Why do brakes squeal or squeak?
"Brake squeal is the result of a high-pitched vibration of the brake pads."
A Ned Beatty squeal is the result of a redneck who liked his "purty mouth."
"Brake squeal [like Ned Beatty squeal] is the result of the composition of the brake pads being too hard." But if the brake pads were too soft, well, that happens to a lot of cars, really it's no big deal. You'll get his motor running soon.
Finally, the article concludes, "Brake pads come from the factory with anti-rattle clips, pad insulator shims, and sometimes a silicone backing that literally glues the pad to the caliper."
I have no sexual analogy (ha ha, ANALogy), I just understood about 4 words in that sentence.
Doesn't "shims and calipers" sound like an English delicacy?
You gotta have your shims, calipers, full thrust tramperpods that secure the lexicon prawns to the chad and the fallopian tubes.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Other White Meat
Do pigs give each other human-y back rides?
Do piglets keep their pig money in people-y banks?
When the farmer has sex with a pig, then kills him and eats him, does he file the pig as a dependant or as an expenditure?
Do piglets keep their pig money in people-y banks?
When the farmer has sex with a pig, then kills him and eats him, does he file the pig as a dependant or as an expenditure?
Under-Age Text
A couple more teachers have been found putting their hanky in their students' pankies.
Uncool.
But now a lot of sexual predators (where's Sexual Schwarzenegger when you need him?) are pursuing their sexual prey via text messaging on cell phones.
With those tiny buttons. Too difficult.
"Show me your pens!"
"Squeeze my tots!"
"Lick my aunt!"
The PR people of Bic, Ore-Ida and mothers' sisters had no comment.
Uncool.
But now a lot of sexual predators (where's Sexual Schwarzenegger when you need him?) are pursuing their sexual prey via text messaging on cell phones.
With those tiny buttons. Too difficult.
"Show me your pens!"
"Squeeze my tots!"
"Lick my aunt!"
The PR people of Bic, Ore-Ida and mothers' sisters had no comment.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
My Mother's Logic
Zack: Bill is on his way here now.
Mom: Oh my God, I don't even have make-up on!
Zack: Mom, Bill is gay.
Mom: All the more reason.
Huh???
Mom: Oh my God, I don't even have make-up on!
Zack: Mom, Bill is gay.
Mom: All the more reason.
Huh???
Friday, January 11, 2008
Yours Truly on YouTube... again
What's that? You want ANOTHER video of me on youtube?
You sure are a glutton for... talent!!
World War 1 Guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs_lAFQgQro&feature=related
You sure are a glutton for... talent!!
World War 1 Guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs_lAFQgQro&feature=related
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Fresh Prince of B.S.
The beginning of 1997's "Men In Black":
Will Smith chases an alien through the streets of Manhattan, into the Guggenheim Museum, shooting the glass out of the front door to get in.
My roommate: "Shouldn't an alarm go off? I mean, it IS the Guggenheim."
A TMBS moment:
"This Movie's Bullshit!"
That is why I can't get into the movie about the Fresh Prince chasing extra-terrestrials around New York City... the faulty security system at the Guggenheim!
Will Smith chases an alien through the streets of Manhattan, into the Guggenheim Museum, shooting the glass out of the front door to get in.
My roommate: "Shouldn't an alarm go off? I mean, it IS the Guggenheim."
A TMBS moment:
"This Movie's Bullshit!"
That is why I can't get into the movie about the Fresh Prince chasing extra-terrestrials around New York City... the faulty security system at the Guggenheim!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Lost in Translation
After graduating from college, I sat down with my brother to reminisce about our respective educations.
"S0" he said, "You've been going to Jewish school for 17 years. Nearly two decades of Jewish education... So speak some Hebrew."
"No," I hesitated. "I don't want to."
"Come on, do it!" he insisted.
"No."
"Let's hear some Hebrew! Hebrew, come on! Hebrew!!"
And I sputterd out the first Hebrew that came to mind:
"Oo-lie cookie vagina."
For those of you unaccostomed to the language of the slaves,
Translated into English that means "Maybe, cookie vagina."
17 year of Hebrew book learnin', and that is what it comes down to:
"Maybe, cookie vagina."
I couldn't even DECIDE!
"MAYBE cookie, vagina."
... Come to think of it, that is a tough decision...
Both are moist, addictive, and leave your hands all messy.
And if you eat too much of either, you'll need innoculations later on.
"S0" he said, "You've been going to Jewish school for 17 years. Nearly two decades of Jewish education... So speak some Hebrew."
"No," I hesitated. "I don't want to."
"Come on, do it!" he insisted.
"No."
"Let's hear some Hebrew! Hebrew, come on! Hebrew!!"
And I sputterd out the first Hebrew that came to mind:
"Oo-lie cookie vagina."
For those of you unaccostomed to the language of the slaves,
Translated into English that means "Maybe, cookie vagina."
17 year of Hebrew book learnin', and that is what it comes down to:
"Maybe, cookie vagina."
I couldn't even DECIDE!
"MAYBE cookie, vagina."
... Come to think of it, that is a tough decision...
Both are moist, addictive, and leave your hands all messy.
And if you eat too much of either, you'll need innoculations later on.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
She's a poet
"Hi Sweetie. There are a lot of guys here.
Don't worry, I only have eyes for you.
I stole them, like Tom Cruise did in Minority Report."
-- DSB
Don't worry, I only have eyes for you.
I stole them, like Tom Cruise did in Minority Report."
-- DSB
"For Better or For Worse"
From IMDB.com:
"A new biography of Tom Cruise claims he was encouraged to end his marriage to Nicole Kidman by Scientology bosses. Andrew Morton's controversial new book alleges that in 1999 Cruise took a Scientology course that would identify 'those in his life who create problems and difficulties.' Kidman was identified as such."
(http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/2008-01-08/#2)
Really???
A wife creates problems and difficulties for her husband?
Yup.
It's called Marriage!!!
And vice-versa.
A recent study shows men speak an average of 15,000 words a day.
Women speak an average of 30,000 words a day.
Hmmmmm.
Why?
Woman: "Because we have to repeat everything for our dumb-ass men."
Man: "What?"
Woman: "See."
Man: "No, it's because men have this pesky habit-- once we finish making our point, we stop speaking. Women don't let such minutae bother them."
"A new biography of Tom Cruise claims he was encouraged to end his marriage to Nicole Kidman by Scientology bosses. Andrew Morton's controversial new book alleges that in 1999 Cruise took a Scientology course that would identify 'those in his life who create problems and difficulties.' Kidman was identified as such."
(http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/2008-01-08/#2)
Really???
A wife creates problems and difficulties for her husband?
Yup.
It's called Marriage!!!
And vice-versa.
A recent study shows men speak an average of 15,000 words a day.
Women speak an average of 30,000 words a day.
Hmmmmm.
Why?
Woman: "Because we have to repeat everything for our dumb-ass men."
Man: "What?"
Woman: "See."
Man: "No, it's because men have this pesky habit-- once we finish making our point, we stop speaking. Women don't let such minutae bother them."
Monday, January 7, 2008
Drugs and Kisses
I am too lazy to be a drug user.
Alcohol is the drug for the lazy man-- it's accessible and it's legal, but most importantly it's easy to use. All you need are opposable thumbs to unscrew the cap. Then ingest.
I could never use heroin because it's too much like cooking.
I can't even microwave a slice of pizza without burning the roof of my mouth on the cheese.
How the heck am I supposed to handle a lighter and a crooked spoon simultaneously, then use a needle and tie a belt simultaneously?!
Jesus, this is a team-sport drug.
Say what you will about hard drug users, they have their work cut out for them. If anyone can multi-task, it's them!
That must be why so many rock stars meet their demise from hard drugs: guitar strumming uses two hands, just like rolling a joint or shooting up heroin-- Jimi Hendrix, Dee Dee Ramone, Hank Williams, Kurt Cobain.
But people write with one hand, and you only need one hand to hold a drink, that's why writers become alcoholics-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemigway, Jack Kerouac, John Steinbeck, Dylan Thomas.
You know who never smoked so much as one cigarette in her life?
Rosie O'Donnell.
But you should avoid drugs anyway.
And if you avoid drugs and booze you'll save money, and any "musician" or "writer" needs all the money they can get.
Alcohol is the drug for the lazy man-- it's accessible and it's legal, but most importantly it's easy to use. All you need are opposable thumbs to unscrew the cap. Then ingest.
I could never use heroin because it's too much like cooking.
I can't even microwave a slice of pizza without burning the roof of my mouth on the cheese.
How the heck am I supposed to handle a lighter and a crooked spoon simultaneously, then use a needle and tie a belt simultaneously?!
Jesus, this is a team-sport drug.
Say what you will about hard drug users, they have their work cut out for them. If anyone can multi-task, it's them!
That must be why so many rock stars meet their demise from hard drugs: guitar strumming uses two hands, just like rolling a joint or shooting up heroin-- Jimi Hendrix, Dee Dee Ramone, Hank Williams, Kurt Cobain.
But people write with one hand, and you only need one hand to hold a drink, that's why writers become alcoholics-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemigway, Jack Kerouac, John Steinbeck, Dylan Thomas.
You know who never smoked so much as one cigarette in her life?
Rosie O'Donnell.
But you should avoid drugs anyway.
And if you avoid drugs and booze you'll save money, and any "musician" or "writer" needs all the money they can get.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The Ragman's Son
just saw a small part of the Democratic Candidates Debate.
I've seen enough!
John Edwards (from South Carolina) said that his father was a millworker for 37 years.
He's got MY vote.
He's just like me. Except my dad worked in Phialdelphia public schools for 37 years.
Same thing.
My pop gristed the brains of young people, separating the wheat from the chaff, even though the chaff thought "Of Mice and Men" was a biography of Walt Disney.
Also, the chaff tried to stab him.
I've seen enough!
John Edwards (from South Carolina) said that his father was a millworker for 37 years.
He's got MY vote.
He's just like me. Except my dad worked in Phialdelphia public schools for 37 years.
Same thing.
My pop gristed the brains of young people, separating the wheat from the chaff, even though the chaff thought "Of Mice and Men" was a biography of Walt Disney.
Also, the chaff tried to stab him.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
I'm Gonna Live Forever
What it means to be famous:
Kids will read about you in history books!
Your name will be in up lights!
Kids will read about you in books that light up!
Y'know, like those sneakers that were outlawed by the NBA, so whenever a librarian drops the book about you, it will light up, thereby scaring away cockroaches!
Kids will read about you in history books!
Your name will be in up lights!
Kids will read about you in books that light up!
Y'know, like those sneakers that were outlawed by the NBA, so whenever a librarian drops the book about you, it will light up, thereby scaring away cockroaches!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Blow Hard
I'm learning to play the harmonica.
It's the perfect instrument for those of you who like the sound of, but don't have the hand-eye coordination for, bagpipes!
I like breathing, but I wish it sounded more annoying!
The kazoo is for morons,
the trumpet is for geniuses,
but the harmonica is the lukewarm musical porridge for the everyman.
It's the perfect instrument for those of you who like the sound of, but don't have the hand-eye coordination for, bagpipes!
I like breathing, but I wish it sounded more annoying!
The kazoo is for morons,
the trumpet is for geniuses,
but the harmonica is the lukewarm musical porridge for the everyman.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Reality Check
Acronym time:
A "T.M.B.S. Moment"
It occurs whenever anyone watches any movie.
A "This Movie's Bull Shit" Moment.
Wait and watch for it. Someone will sit up, 45 minutes into watching "Transformers" ("There's no way that 2 hot chicks would know so much about cars and computer codes"), "Toy Story 2" ("No toy would be packaged with that many accessories") or "300" ("You're saying not ONE of those Spartans is gay? But look how fit they are!") and exclaim, "This Movie's Bull Shit!"
The cinematic illusion is broken, and only a grounded, realistic indie film can rebuild it (i.e., "Weekend at Bernie's"... "Wait a minutes... that guy looks more like a Garry than a Bernie. This Movie's Bull Shit!")
What about your TMBS moments?
A "T.M.B.S. Moment"
It occurs whenever anyone watches any movie.
A "This Movie's Bull Shit" Moment.
Wait and watch for it. Someone will sit up, 45 minutes into watching "Transformers" ("There's no way that 2 hot chicks would know so much about cars and computer codes"), "Toy Story 2" ("No toy would be packaged with that many accessories") or "300" ("You're saying not ONE of those Spartans is gay? But look how fit they are!") and exclaim, "This Movie's Bull Shit!"
The cinematic illusion is broken, and only a grounded, realistic indie film can rebuild it (i.e., "Weekend at Bernie's"... "Wait a minutes... that guy looks more like a Garry than a Bernie. This Movie's Bull Shit!")
What about your TMBS moments?
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Snoozing's My Religion
You can never brag about a nap! What's wrong with this country?
That's why I love Mexicans-- the siesta!
Now that's my kind of culture.
Also, big hats.
And whenever someone calls you and wakes you up, they can hear it in your voice.
"Oh, did I wake you?"
And we all lie.
"No no. I was up."
When we REALLY want to say,
"OF COURSE you woke me up! You called me at the ungodly hour of 2 in the afternoon!"
That's why I love Mexicans-- the siesta!
Now that's my kind of culture.
Also, big hats.
And whenever someone calls you and wakes you up, they can hear it in your voice.
"Oh, did I wake you?"
And we all lie.
"No no. I was up."
When we REALLY want to say,
"OF COURSE you woke me up! You called me at the ungodly hour of 2 in the afternoon!"
It's Just a Hole!
True exchange.
Bill: "Grandma wants to see the Grand Canyon before she dies."
Jeff: "Now? It's January! It's a terrible time to visit the Grand Canyon."
Bill: "Yeah, you're right. It'll be better to visit the Grand Canyon after she's dead."
Bill: "Grandma wants to see the Grand Canyon before she dies."
Jeff: "Now? It's January! It's a terrible time to visit the Grand Canyon."
Bill: "Yeah, you're right. It'll be better to visit the Grand Canyon after she's dead."
After Math
Geometry was the only math class at which I excelled. All those angles and whatnot.
Probably because the word "perpendicular" sounds a lot like "poop and dick...ular"
Probably because the word "perpendicular" sounds a lot like "poop and dick...ular"
Friday, December 28, 2007
I've been Bear-alyzed
I was watching the National Geographic channel today.
(I know what you're thinking... they have THAT as a channel? Does it show those topless tribeswomen with rings in their noses?)
The program I watched discussed bears, specifically black bears of Alaska (or Ursus americanus americanus).
Apparently these bears can
swim over 5 miles in the icy waters of Alaska,
hear twice as far as humans
smell 100 times farther
climb faster than they can run,
and they can run over 25 MPH.
So why the hell do we have teddy bears? What's so cute and cuddly about that??
A bear would maul the hell out of Clifford the big, red dog.
Eviscerate-Me Elmo.
Black bears are the Jason Bourne of the animal kingdom. Now we must manufacture Matt Damon dolls for our children to cuddle.
What's so weird about that?
(I know what you're thinking... they have THAT as a channel? Does it show those topless tribeswomen with rings in their noses?)
The program I watched discussed bears, specifically black bears of Alaska (or Ursus americanus americanus).
Apparently these bears can
swim over 5 miles in the icy waters of Alaska,
hear twice as far as humans
smell 100 times farther
climb faster than they can run,
and they can run over 25 MPH.
So why the hell do we have teddy bears? What's so cute and cuddly about that??
A bear would maul the hell out of Clifford the big, red dog.
Eviscerate-Me Elmo.
Black bears are the Jason Bourne of the animal kingdom. Now we must manufacture Matt Damon dolls for our children to cuddle.
What's so weird about that?
Thursday, December 27, 2007
"I have no gift to bring..."
I typed in "christmas" in CNN.com's website search bar, here's what came up, in this order:
First of all, the priorities are out of whack!
This is what the three wise men should've brought Jesus (instead dumb ol' gold, myrrh and Frankenberry) :
Family activities,
a Computer and
Lingerie!
("Let he who is without crotchless panties cast the first stone")
Spare the Rod...
I just saw a commercial for a brand-spankin' new thermometor for children!
I remember a few years ago there was an "in-the-ear" thermometer (a far cry from my youth, which involved "in-the-rear" temperature taking... 98.6 degrees and 100% fabulous!).
This caused no pain, but was still awkward, since some people have ear issues (I blame the predominace of "wet willies" in our playgrounds).
Next there was an "under-the-armpit" thermometer. This was awesome! You just stick a metal and plastic thing under the pit for 5 seconds and BAM! Temperature!
Well, apparently this was no good, either. I guess prepubescent kids didn't feel comfortable taking off their shirts for the school nurse (or, if she was busy, the school janitor who was in his work-release program).
So now there is a NEW thermometer! An Infra-red Thermometer!
With this one, you point it at the child's forehead for 3 seconds, it emits a glowing red dot, and BAM!
Your kid has a bindi! ... Or looks like he is about to be assassinated.
Temperature taken.
Supposedly it works. So now you can take your child's temperature without having to touch him or her. Oh, happy day! Pass the Purell hand sanitizer. We are desensitizing our kids to the real world, weakening their immune system, while at the same time exposing them to a plethora of violence, sex and "High School Musicals."
I'm not saying we should shove horse turds into the bottom of their footie-pajamas, but we can't raise them to live in little plastic bubbles either (of course, if used a little plastic bubble then the kids wouldn't be here to begin with).
It's like allowing chuldren to watch reality television.
And for the Consumer Reports, I did a price comparison at "securebaby.com"--
The Infra-red thermometer runs $83, plus shipping.
Meanwhile, you can get a combination underarm, rectal and oral for just $29.
Now, I'm not a Vegas hooker, but that sounds like somebody is getting screwed... and it's in the face.
I remember a few years ago there was an "in-the-ear" thermometer (a far cry from my youth, which involved "in-the-rear" temperature taking... 98.6 degrees and 100% fabulous!).
This caused no pain, but was still awkward, since some people have ear issues (I blame the predominace of "wet willies" in our playgrounds).
Next there was an "under-the-armpit" thermometer. This was awesome! You just stick a metal and plastic thing under the pit for 5 seconds and BAM! Temperature!
Well, apparently this was no good, either. I guess prepubescent kids didn't feel comfortable taking off their shirts for the school nurse (or, if she was busy, the school janitor who was in his work-release program).
So now there is a NEW thermometer! An Infra-red Thermometer!
With this one, you point it at the child's forehead for 3 seconds, it emits a glowing red dot, and BAM!
Your kid has a bindi! ... Or looks like he is about to be assassinated.
Temperature taken.
Supposedly it works. So now you can take your child's temperature without having to touch him or her. Oh, happy day! Pass the Purell hand sanitizer. We are desensitizing our kids to the real world, weakening their immune system, while at the same time exposing them to a plethora of violence, sex and "High School Musicals."
I'm not saying we should shove horse turds into the bottom of their footie-pajamas, but we can't raise them to live in little plastic bubbles either (of course, if used a little plastic bubble then the kids wouldn't be here to begin with).
It's like allowing chuldren to watch reality television.
And for the Consumer Reports, I did a price comparison at "securebaby.com"--
The Infra-red thermometer runs $83, plus shipping.
Meanwhile, you can get a combination underarm, rectal and oral for just $29.
Now, I'm not a Vegas hooker, but that sounds like somebody is getting screwed... and it's in the face.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Mystery Smut
Idea for a porno:
"Sherlock John Holmes "
...and the Case of the Missing Pickle
"Rear entry, my dear Watson."
"Sherlock John Holmes "
...and the Case of the Missing Pickle
"Rear entry, my dear Watson."
Friday, December 21, 2007
Whom Would Jesus Do?
So all anyopne can talk about in this season of Jesus and presents is actually a gift the Lord has given to everyone:
The Spears Girls!
... and how easy it seems to be to impregnate them!
To be fair, they are excellent Jesus figures:
Jamie Lynn is "the Son,"
Britney is "The Father"
and "The Holy Spirit" is the nebulous, fleeting memory of both of their hymens.
(sigh)
"Come all ye faithful"...
("ye faithful" refers to the fellas who bed the Spears "ho ho ho"s)
...Actually, a manger was probably the 2000-year-old, Bethlehem equivalent of a trailer park today. So really, Jamie Lynn could be the next "Virgin Mary-Lou."
The Spears Girls!
... and how easy it seems to be to impregnate them!
To be fair, they are excellent Jesus figures:
Jamie Lynn is "the Son,"
Britney is "The Father"
and "The Holy Spirit" is the nebulous, fleeting memory of both of their hymens.
(sigh)
"Come all ye faithful"...
("ye faithful" refers to the fellas who bed the Spears "ho ho ho"s)
...Actually, a manger was probably the 2000-year-old, Bethlehem equivalent of a trailer park today. So really, Jamie Lynn could be the next "Virgin Mary-Lou."
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Two Drink Minimum
I was recently labeled a "two beer queer."
This refers to my low level of alcohol tolerance (the number drinks I require to acheive inebriation).
First of all, ONE of those beers was a CapriSun laced with RedBull.
Secondly, I take umbrage with this moniker (and I take umbrellas with monocles!).
The gay community deserves more credit than that, and most homosexuals require more alcohol to get sloshed (they LOVE alcohol SO much they have their own bars... and their own parades, the ideal venue for being drunk).
Also, if one is using queer as Noah Webster intended (adj., "differing in some odd way from what is usual or normal"), it's still lousy. This assumes that MOST people require MORE than two beers to get intoxicated.
Well, I only drink with toddlers!
And those chubby Baby Einsteins couldn't even finish a Mike's Hard Cranberry-Lemonade from their Cookie Monster sip-cups...
and they were still crapping themselves!
Talk about lightweights!
Totally disoriented. They couldn't even tell me how to get... how to get to Sesame Street!
This refers to my low level of alcohol tolerance (the number drinks I require to acheive inebriation).
First of all, ONE of those beers was a CapriSun laced with RedBull.
Secondly, I take umbrage with this moniker (and I take umbrellas with monocles!).
The gay community deserves more credit than that, and most homosexuals require more alcohol to get sloshed (they LOVE alcohol SO much they have their own bars... and their own parades, the ideal venue for being drunk).
Also, if one is using queer as Noah Webster intended (adj., "differing in some odd way from what is usual or normal"), it's still lousy. This assumes that MOST people require MORE than two beers to get intoxicated.
Well, I only drink with toddlers!
And those chubby Baby Einsteins couldn't even finish a Mike's Hard Cranberry-Lemonade from their Cookie Monster sip-cups...
and they were still crapping themselves!
Talk about lightweights!
Totally disoriented. They couldn't even tell me how to get... how to get to Sesame Street!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
"Just Say No"
Which of these is NOT a slang term for drugs:
a) Blow
b) Crack
c) African Bush
d) Rimjob
e) Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger
a) Blow
b) Crack
c) African Bush
d) Rimjob
e) Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger
"Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree..."
"It's the toilet for the dog to pee"
(What do YOU think the next verse is?)
What is the history of the Christmas tree tradition? (or "Jesus' yuletide shire of love")
Let us go to the most trusted news source I can reach from my chair that isn't CNN.com:
WIKIPEDIA!!!!
Certain trees held great symbolic significance for Germanic tribes. It seems Pagan kings in Germany would sacrifice trees at the sacred groves every ninth year (Duh!).
The mighty Saint Boniface (That saint is so funny!) attempted to Christianize the tribes by inocrporating cone-shaped evergreen trees which, because of their triangular shape, could symbolize the Trinity of The Father, The Son and Curly. I suppose he could've incorportated spanakopita or sea captain hats made out of newspaper, since they are triangluar too.
No word as to whether these Germanic tribes created any Hanukkah bushes... I'm guessing nein.
Actually, many Christmas customs come from Germanic paganism: Stocking-stuffing, Christmas hams, Yule Logs, elements of Santa Claus and Yule Goats (which apparently can be found on the same aisle as Yule Logs at your local grocer).
To learn more about Christmas, accept Jesus into your heart and become a German pagan!
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_tree)
(What do YOU think the next verse is?)
What is the history of the Christmas tree tradition? (or "Jesus' yuletide shire of love")
Let us go to the most trusted news source I can reach from my chair that isn't CNN.com:
WIKIPEDIA!!!!
Certain trees held great symbolic significance for Germanic tribes. It seems Pagan kings in Germany would sacrifice trees at the sacred groves every ninth year (Duh!).
The mighty Saint Boniface (That saint is so funny!) attempted to Christianize the tribes by inocrporating cone-shaped evergreen trees which, because of their triangular shape, could symbolize the Trinity of The Father, The Son and Curly. I suppose he could've incorportated spanakopita or sea captain hats made out of newspaper, since they are triangluar too.
No word as to whether these Germanic tribes created any Hanukkah bushes... I'm guessing nein.
Actually, many Christmas customs come from Germanic paganism: Stocking-stuffing, Christmas hams, Yule Logs, elements of Santa Claus and Yule Goats (which apparently can be found on the same aisle as Yule Logs at your local grocer).
To learn more about Christmas, accept Jesus into your heart and become a German pagan!
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_tree)
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
"...They've lasted for so many years"
According to my men in the field (CNN.com), due to severe ice storms in the South, there may be 20,000 homes in rural
What does this mean?
That thousands might have to celebrate Christmas without Christmas lights (which is like celebrating the birth of Jesus with no coniferous German fir tree).
Now, I'm not saying that this is a sign that God hates Christmas and loves Hanukkah, but...
According to one Oklahoma boy, the 7-year-old Josue Velasquez, it IS!
"We've gone eight days without lights," the boy said. "We just sit on the couch and wait for the lights to come on."
Y'know, I recall another group of people who needed light for eight days. Remember what they did? Hm?? Oh yeah, they beat the crap out of Anthony Quinn! Maccabees:1, Zorba:0.
My Big Fat Greek Ass-Whoopin'!
Come on, People of the South, join the winning team! Over two thousand years ago, Jews in Ancient Israel learned that oil is the solution to everybody's problems, and it's still true to this day!... especially in that part of the world.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The Daring Donut Dispatcher of Due Process
This has just been releasedd by CNN.com (motto:FOX NEWS meets Ryan Seacrest):
"Donut clerk: 'I smacked robber by instinct'"
That's right. If you go to YouTube, you can see security camera footage of an Elmwood, NJ Dunkin' Donuts employee repeatedly whacking a potential thief over the head with a cermaic mug used for tips.
When the employee opened the register to complete a transaction, the perp (who is still on the loose, presumably pilfering Krispy Kremes) reached into the register. Then the employee dished out a mug of jelly-filled justice!
As Spicoli would say, "Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!"
If apprehended, the suspect will be held without bail and without sprinkles.
The employee's name (I am NOT making this up)... Dustin Hoffmann.
(http://www.kwwl.com/News/index.php?ID=19188)
"Donut clerk: 'I smacked robber by instinct'"
That's right. If you go to YouTube, you can see security camera footage of an Elmwood, NJ Dunkin' Donuts employee repeatedly whacking a potential thief over the head with a cermaic mug used for tips.
When the employee opened the register to complete a transaction, the perp (who is still on the loose, presumably pilfering Krispy Kremes) reached into the register. Then the employee dished out a mug of jelly-filled justice!
As Spicoli would say, "Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!"
If apprehended, the suspect will be held without bail and without sprinkles.
The employee's name (I am NOT making this up)... Dustin Hoffmann.
(http://www.kwwl.com/News/index.php?ID=19188)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
END OF DAYS!
Today is the final day of Hanukkah.
Yes, Hanukkah... that magical holiday where we remember the night Jesus and his reindeer had just enough oil to go 88 MPH and return to the year 1985.
(as it is written in the four Gospels, including the controversial Book of Raphael... he was cool, but rude)
Yes, Hanukkah... that magical holiday where we remember the night Jesus and his reindeer had just enough oil to go 88 MPH and return to the year 1985.
(as it is written in the four Gospels, including the controversial Book of Raphael... he was cool, but rude)
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Un-BEAR-able Teacher Freed!
Thank goodness!
Last week, Gillian Gibbons, 54, the teacher in Sudan who was arrested for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Mohammed", returned home to London after 15 days in a Sudanese prison.
She was pardoned by Sudan's president, Omar al-Bashir.
What a swell guy, that Omar!
15 days in prison??
All it took was 15 days to let her go!
15 days??? That's almost 2 Hanukkahs!
... as I'm sure Omar is aware.
This makes me think twice about naming my testicles Uday and Qusai.
... And I think we all know which is which.
Last week, Gillian Gibbons, 54, the teacher in Sudan who was arrested for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Mohammed", returned home to London after 15 days in a Sudanese prison.
She was pardoned by Sudan's president, Omar al-Bashir.
What a swell guy, that Omar!
15 days in prison??
All it took was 15 days to let her go!
15 days??? That's almost 2 Hanukkahs!
... as I'm sure Omar is aware.
This makes me think twice about naming my testicles Uday and Qusai.
... And I think we all know which is which.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Cable Nitwit Network
Just a summary of the headlines from CNN.com... In the words of Dave Barry, I am NOT making these up:
"30,000 hear Oprah stump for Obama"
"Do celebrities sway voters?"
"600-pound tiger gets root canal"
"Naked men shop for Skittles"
CNN... Your source for retarded news.
P.S. Should Oprah be "stumping" another man? Steadman vs. Barack-- cage match!
"30,000 hear Oprah stump for Obama"
"Do celebrities sway voters?"
"600-pound tiger gets root canal"
"Naked men shop for Skittles"
CNN... Your source for retarded news.
P.S. Should Oprah be "stumping" another man? Steadman vs. Barack-- cage match!
Subway Candy
Y'know those urban youths who walk through subway cars, selling big boxes of candy to "raise money for their basketball teams" or "just to keep [them] off the streets"...
They ALWAYS have "M&M: Peanut" left. Not "Peanut M&Ms", mind you, but "M&M: Peanut."
Peculiar.
Why don't people like Peanut M&Ms?
They'll eat a "Chunky" or an "Almond Joy" or even "Good and Plenty" (licorice? Come ON!) , but not "M&M: Peanut??"
Also, what ever happened to Chicklets?
They ALWAYS have "M&M: Peanut" left. Not "Peanut M&Ms", mind you, but "M&M: Peanut."
Peculiar.
Why don't people like Peanut M&Ms?
They'll eat a "Chunky" or an "Almond Joy" or even "Good and Plenty" (licorice? Come ON!) , but not "M&M: Peanut??"
Also, what ever happened to Chicklets?
Friday, December 7, 2007
Who Needs Christmas? Light the Menorah!
HANUKKAH!
It's great for the little ones!
Hanukkah has four things kids love more than anything else:
-snow
-presents
-chocolate
and
-fire!
... and socks?
It's great for the little ones!
Hanukkah has four things kids love more than anything else:
-snow
-presents
-chocolate
and
-fire!
... and socks?
Thursday, December 6, 2007
"Thanks for noticing me"
Eeyore is the most depressed character in all of children's literature and cartoons.
We need to set him up with Kanga for a night (and we know it's a done deal because Lil' Roo is proof that she puts out). He would be happier than Tigger on crack (which is redundant).
P.S. Possible title for an Eeyore porno: "Hundred Acre Wood"
We need to set him up with Kanga for a night (and we know it's a done deal because Lil' Roo is proof that she puts out). He would be happier than Tigger on crack (which is redundant).
P.S. Possible title for an Eeyore porno: "Hundred Acre Wood"
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Never Say Die
You know a relationship has issues when your only role playing game is Sloth and Chunk from "The Goonies"
"Hey, you guuuuys!"
"Hey, you guuuuys!"
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
King Kongstein
I have just been informed that the Empire State Building will have its outside lights tinted blue and white tonight in honor of the first night Hanukkah, which begins at nightfall.
I couldn't be more proud.
Now if only the Statue of Liberty could be holding a giant dreidel... or light a Hanukkiah the size of Madison Square Garden.
Maybe replace the heads on Mt. Rushmore with Woody Allen, Steven Spielberg, Albert Einstein and a giant matzoh ball.
Please, your suggestions?
I couldn't be more proud.
Now if only the Statue of Liberty could be holding a giant dreidel... or light a Hanukkiah the size of Madison Square Garden.
Maybe replace the heads on Mt. Rushmore with Woody Allen, Steven Spielberg, Albert Einstein and a giant matzoh ball.
Please, your suggestions?
Eucharist? Euchan't be serious!
So if wine is the blood of Christ,
then eggnog would be His...?
Woah. Too far.
then eggnog would be His...?
Woah. Too far.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Grand Theft Beverage: Vice City
Coffee and Alcohol--
They both taste wretched, which is why we try to cover up the taste.
If alcohol and coffee actually tasted good, we wouldn't spend so much money paying frustrated actors wearing green baseball caps and false smiles to add cinnamon, caramel and chocolate syrup to our java and paying frustrated musicians wearing tight shirts and body piercings to add soda, orange juice, cherries, and tiny umbrellas to our booze.
But both are viewed as medicinal, hence the soaring price tags not deterring the soaring sales.
$12 for a Strawberry Daiquiri?
"What a day! I NEED a drink."
$5.45 for a Grande, No Whip, Caramel Macchiato?
"Oh, I NEED my coffee. I'm dead without it."
And both beverages force you visit the bathroom not long afterwards. Open up your mind instead of your wallet... and an extra bodily orifice.
Just because you're bending over the toilet doesn't mean you have to take it up the ass.
They both taste wretched, which is why we try to cover up the taste.
If alcohol and coffee actually tasted good, we wouldn't spend so much money paying frustrated actors wearing green baseball caps and false smiles to add cinnamon, caramel and chocolate syrup to our java and paying frustrated musicians wearing tight shirts and body piercings to add soda, orange juice, cherries, and tiny umbrellas to our booze.
But both are viewed as medicinal, hence the soaring price tags not deterring the soaring sales.
$12 for a Strawberry Daiquiri?
"What a day! I NEED a drink."
$5.45 for a Grande, No Whip, Caramel Macchiato?
"Oh, I NEED my coffee. I'm dead without it."
And both beverages force you visit the bathroom not long afterwards. Open up your mind instead of your wallet... and an extra bodily orifice.
Just because you're bending over the toilet doesn't mean you have to take it up the ass.
"Bad-Ass Grandpa" Rap
Penned by yours truly and Zack:
Grandpa Grandpa! Whadday say?
I'm gonna school y'all- class is in session
My old ass lived through the Great Depression.
I'm not from the 'hood and I may not be black
I'm from Plainview, Long Island, and a nice cul-de-sac.
I dig Beyonce and her sexy curlz
And I love that Blanche from the Golden Girls.
I like P-Diddy, and also Matlock
My back is stiffer than my shriveled old--
Grandpa Grandpa! Whadday say?
I'm so old I might die today!
I'm a badass grandpa- and I'm on health care,
If you like Metamucil wave your cane in the air.
I'm a badass grandpa- and I'm on health care,
If you like Metamucil wave your cane in the air.
My hearing is bad and my testicles sag. I like my bitches down and dirty,
I traded my .45 for a colostomy bag.
I like my dinner at about four-thirty.
I got mad skills
And I take mad pills
Don't make me trip
Cause I'll break my damn hip!
I like Jay-Z and half-sour pickles.
For your birthday I'll give you a handful of nickels.
(In my day a nickel was a lot of money )
I can still bust a rhyme, even though I'm old Prune juice (damn!)! That's some mighty fine stuff. I wear an I.D. bracelet and not a gold watch Pop a cap in my ass, if you think you're a sniper,
I got false teeth, but they're all gold.
I complain cause me kids don't call me enough.
It's a wheelchair (What?) – not a joint I'm rollin'
I got diverticulitis in my over-sized colon.
You can suck my dick while I suck a butterscotch
That bullet's gotta get past my a-dult diaper.
What- speak up! Don't raise your voice to me
I get jiggy then I have a warm cup of tea.
To the players in this piece , y'all better beware
I just put rims on my pimp wheel chair.
I'm a bad ass grandpa, I'm nobody's fool
Stand back and watch as I kick it old school!
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