I just saw the most intriguing program, often labeled an informative commercial, that informed me of a wonderful product, and now I must share such information with you: "The Almighty Cleanse."
This was not a fancy way of referring to the Rapture, the inevitable Apocalypse whereby the Lord Almighty will cleanse the earth of the damned and Fraggles shall feast on the flesh of the wicked. "The Almighty Cleanse" refers to a colon-cleansing pill that helps you shit your troubles away.
If you're like me, you're probably named Zack. Also, the only point of reference for colon-cleansing you might have is from the film "The Nutty Professor" (starring Eddie Murphy, Oscar snubee for his flawless work in "Norbit"). So allow me to explain, in scientific terms, what this pill does... ahem (clearing of throat)... It makes you shit.
According to the program, "The Almighty Cleanse" can supposedly "flatten your tummy, clear your mind and relieve depression and stress" simply by inducing more bowel movements. Well, slap my ass and call me Douchebag! All this time I thought you fixed that stuff with exercise, medication, and psychological counseling, but it turns out that the real answer was right under my taint!
I also learned that the average male carries between 6 and 16 pounds of fecal matter inside his person during the course of one day. Sweet Baby James! It's like I'm pregnant with shit twins! I don't know about you, but I am going to change my life for the better and get myself a bottle of "The Almighty Cleanse" today. Right after I pick up an extra plunger.
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