Metaphysical Masturbation?

This just in from wsbtv.com, local news station for Gwinnett County, Georgia
(http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14729779/detail.html):

"Elijah Canady and Kelley Kirkley want you to know their home is wholesome and their cable is not kinky, even though nearly a dozen pornographic movie titles were on their cable bill. This was part of an unexplained recent rise in unwarranted charges to numerous cable subscribers in the Georgia area.
Canady said they did not order any of the movies.

'It’s only me and her,' said Elijah Canady. 'There’s no kids, there’s no dog, there’s no ghost that’s wanting to watch this type of stuff.'"

Hmmm. Interesting. Methinks the man of the house protests too much. His reasoning went from himself and his wife to children, to house pets, to... (cough) ghosts!

Of course! Logical progression! If I didn't order "The Golden CumpAss," it must have been the work of the Undead!

Now I picture a horny old ghost (played by the late Ray Walston or Don Knotts) touching his metaphysical self while watching "Stick it in my Rear Window."

I blame that sexy Patrick Swayze and his questionable pottery-making methods.

Would ghosts really NEED to watch cable porn in Gwinnett County, Georgia? Wouldn't they have much better smut in the Afterlife? Like watching a three-way with Joan of Arc, George Burns and Tupac?!

Go Diego, Go!

At the doctor's office, when not keeping up with current events through "People" magazine (Jake Gyllenhaal wears baseball hats and drinks coffee!) I read children's literature. Time for a book review:

"Go, Diego! Go!: Diego's Sea Turtle Adventure!"
FYI, Diego is the puckish, Spanish lad who chills with Dora the Explorer.
Here is the tagline for the book: "Will Diego find Luis in time to safely bring him back to his reef?"

"Who is Luis?" I hear you hypothetically asking yourself.
Idiot! Luis is a Hawksbill sea turtle!
Duh!
"But Aaron," you insist, "Isn't Luis a Leatherback sea turtle?
No, Retard! Hawksbill sea turtles have brown-yellow shells with pointy beaks and Leatherback sea turtles have black and white shells and blunt beaks. Is there any limit to your stupidity?
Thank you, Diego. Thank you.

I should've guessed that I wouldn't identify with this book. Here is the first sentence:
"Help! Help! Ayudenme!" Diego heard as his hang glider sailed over the rainforest canopy."

Finally, a kids' book I can relate to! I try to use numerous Spanish interjections while sailing over rainforest canopies in my hang glider!
Ay dios mio!

Cute, Cuddly, Infidel!

From CNN.com:
A British teacher was arrested in Khartoum, Sudan after allowing her class to name a teddy bear "Mohammed." She has been charged by authorities with offending religion, state-run media in Sudan report. In Sudan, insulting Islam is punishable with 40 lashes and a jail term of up to six months."

Yikes. I guess the class should've gone with their second choice: "Winnie the (Scheming) Jew."

"Take Some Anti-Depressants, Charlie Brown!"

I caught a little bit of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on TV recently.
What a bummer. That bald, meloncholy goober brings me down every damn year.
He needs to get his Peanuts off with that Cute, Little Red-Haired Girl.

Oh, and Lucy's a bitch.

The Doctor Is In

I had a dentist appointment yesterday, which means two things:

1. I got to catch up on my "People" Magazine reading (oooh, photos of Kate Hudson leaving a Target store, she's just like me!)

and 2. I had my mouth open 2 inches away from another man. At first I felt weird that this relative stranger was staring into my mouth, but on the other hand I got to look straight up his nose, so it's all good.

It's Been A Hard Day's Night

"I've been working like a dog."

I take umbrage with this simile. No dog I've known has been a hard worker. In fact, most dogs make Garfield look like a puma on acid. Maybe not sled dogs or St. Bernards in the frozen tundra of Anchorage, but most dogs' daily schedules consist of licking themselves, sniffing poop and becoming amorous with someone's leg.

My dog wouldn't even beg for food. She would demand it from the other room. Then my father would ask, "How come the dog's farts smell so bad?" And we would explain to him, "Because you feed her what you eat."

Black and White

Me: They should make more black and white movies now.
Zack: Really?
Me: Sure. Or maybe just combine the two best black and white movies of the last 15 years!
Zack: Which are...?
Me: Schindler's List and Clerks.
Zack: Hmmm... "One more. I could've sucked one more dick."

Sub-human

As people descend into the depths of the subway, their level of morality descends as well. As they leave the earth's surface, they leave their humanity behund.

As H.G. Wells would say, they transform from Eloi to Morlock.

I saw a guy taking a shit NEXT TO a trash can on a subway platform.
And there is no going back.

Have A Nice Day

Instead of asking someone,
"How was your day?"
I think we should say,
"Have you stepped in shit?"
Because it means the same thing: If you did not step in shit, then your day was not that bad (because you can always say, "Hey, at least I didn't step in shit!"). But if you did step in shit, then that is exactly how your day has been: shitty. Then there is the whole metaphorical slant: Your Soul has stepped in the Shit of Life (also, it's pun-tastic-- Sole!).

Have a not-shit-covered day!

Touched for the Very First-- oops! Sorry.

I have a beef with the phrase "Lose your virginity."

"To lose" something implies it was an accident. You lose your keys, your socks, your bus ticket.
But by most guys' accounts, not only was losing their virginity not an accident, it was the most deliberate act of their lives. It is planned, orchestrated, over-analyzed and attempted several times.

But "losing" is also negative-- You lose your mind, your will to live, your lunch. And by most women's accounts, this seems to describe their first time quite accurately: The first time is crazy, disappointing and it induces nausea.

The Woodpecker Finch of the Galapagos Islands

I just learned what Charles Darwin learned 150 years ago: there is a Woodpecker Finch indigenous to the Galapagos Islands that is off the hook! His tongue is too short to reach grubs inside tree branches, so what does he do?
He breaks off a tiny twig, holds it in his beak, and pokes around under the tree bark until some grubs come up.

That's right-- the bird makes tools! A veritable ornithological MacGuyver!

Finally! Now the Woodpecker Finch can be the lock-picker on a motley crew of international jewel thieves, all he needs is a squirrel who's good with explosives, a monkey on roller skates and George Clooney.

Sympathy for the Devil

"Hello, Mrs. Gloria Snarfblatt? I am Mr. Oglethorpe. I teach your son Julian at Westcherry Academy."

"Oh, hello. And how is my little Julian doing?"

"Well, I must ask you Mrs. Snarfblatt... did He pull out?

"... What?"

"I'm sorry, allow me to elaborate. What I mean is... When Lucifer, the Dark Prince, was mounting you from behind (Cerebus-style, as He would put it), I am assuming He was not wearing a Christ Condom with holy water as spermicidal lube; rather, as He was mounting you and was about to climax, did He pull out? Did He extract His throbbing, flaming, three-headed, pitchfork-shaped cock from your nether regions and then deposit a healthy dose of Satanic splooge on your lower back, causing your 3rd degree burns as His unholy jizm sizzled on your flesh? Is that how it happened? Because there is no other rational explanation for your child, who --I am convinced-- is the spawn of Satan! So, allow me to ask again: Did He pull out?"

An Immature Time-Waster (i.e., this blog)

A pal of mine (mikesunderwhere.blogspot) just introduced me to a marvelous game:

"I like my men like I like my..."

And insert any noun you happen to be discussing. Here's what we started with:
"I like my men like I like my wrist watches..."

And here's what we came up with:
"With two hands and a leather strap on."

Immature Innuendo? Yup. Clever? Somewhat. The kind of thing that gets stuck in your head? Let's hope so!

Technology and Literacy

I have just been informed that my cell phone, which doesn't take photos, access the internet or grill bacon whilst letting the excess grease run off) is an "old model!"
(scoff scoff)...
How is that possible? Cell phones have only been around for, like, 2 years! Remember Zack Morris? HE had an old model-- a cell phone the size of a shoe box (but it still didn't get him his father's attention)!

Technology! I remember in third grade when we had to start TYPING UP papers on a COMPUTER! Weird! Nothing else from third grade is useful anymore: cursive handwriting, multiplication, and "Sarah Plain and Tall" (An Amish Giant? Hey Sarah, either join the WNBA or slap on some rouge).

Third Grade Reading List:
What about the book "Babar Tramples Madeline!"
or
"Encyclopedia Brown has a three-way with the Hardy Boys then makes a Superfudge on Nancy Drew's chest... while the Boxcar Children watch."

Animal Adolescence

I wonder if people who are raised by wolves also go through a period of Lupine Puberty, awkwardly howling off-key at the moon and shamefully licking themselves behind a bush.

Measurements

When does a dollop become a glob?
Is a chunk less than a hunk?
Are oodles more than scads?
When does a teensy bit turn into a smidgen?
Is a wad a part of a gob?
How many clumps make up a cluster?

Ponder!

Charity

I support all charities, especially Locks for Love. It speaks to my strengths-- any time laziness can be construed as philanthropy.

#1 Invention for #2

I just saw the most intriguing program, often labeled an informative commercial, that informed me of a wonderful product, and now I must share such information with you: "The Almighty Cleanse."
This was not a fancy way of referring to the Rapture, the inevitable Apocalypse whereby the Lord Almighty will cleanse the earth of the damned and Fraggles shall feast on the flesh of the wicked. "The Almighty Cleanse" refers to a colon-cleansing pill that helps you shit your troubles away.
If you're like me, you're probably named Zack. Also, the only point of reference for colon-cleansing you might have is from the film "The Nutty Professor" (starring Eddie Murphy, Oscar snubee for his flawless work in "Norbit"). So allow me to explain, in scientific terms, what this pill does... ahem (clearing of throat)... It makes you shit.
According to the program, "The Almighty Cleanse" can supposedly "flatten your tummy, clear your mind and relieve depression and stress" simply by inducing more bowel movements. Well, slap my ass and call me Douchebag! All this time I thought you fixed that stuff with exercise, medication, and psychological counseling, but it turns out that the real answer was right under my taint!
I also learned that the average male carries between 6 and 16 pounds of fecal matter inside his person during the course of one day. Sweet Baby James! It's like I'm pregnant with shit twins! I don't know about you, but I am going to change my life for the better and get myself a bottle of "The Almighty Cleanse" today. Right after I pick up an extra plunger.

Mobsters

HBO's "The Sopranos" was a ground-breaking T.V. show that creatively merged family values with swear words. But since it's off the air now I think it is safe to say that "The Sopranos" put more homely people on television than "COPS". They are all very talented actors who made me afraid of New Jersey residents, but the men all look like Dick Tracy villains and the women look like Buddy Hackett in a wig.

Australia

Autralian Imports to the U.S. :
* Crocodiles
* The phrase "That's not a knife..."
* Dunkaroos.

Country of Criminals? Or Utopia?

Being cool

It would be nice to be cool.
Once, just once in my life I want to walk away from something that just exploded... calmly remove a pair of sunglasses from my jacket... and put the sunglasses on my face. Just once! Picture it: Explosion behind me, my cool unflinching person taking out sunglasses and putting them on (Of course, they would have to be prescription sunglasses since I'm near-sighted). Universe, I'm waiting.

T Rex

Welcome to my blog. You must really want to avoid working. I, myself, do not frequent an office... except the office of my own mind! Let us begin:


The Tyrannosarus Rex was the fiercest predator the world has ever known. It also had incredibly tiny hands and an incredibly large mouth. This leads me to believe that the Tyrannosarus Rex gave very mediocre handjobs, but extraordinary blowjobs. By this reasoning, we can safely assume that the Tyrannosarus Rex was extremely unpopular in eighth grade, but extremely popular in ninth grade.

Science!