Acronym time:
A "T.M.B.S. Moment"
It occurs whenever anyone watches any movie.
A "This Movie's Bull Shit" Moment.
Wait and watch for it. Someone will sit up, 45 minutes into watching "Transformers" ("There's no way that 2 hot chicks would know so much about cars and computer codes"), "Toy Story 2" ("No toy would be packaged with that many accessories") or "300" ("You're saying not ONE of those Spartans is gay? But look how fit they are!") and exclaim, "This Movie's Bull Shit!"
The cinematic illusion is broken, and only a grounded, realistic indie film can rebuild it (i.e., "Weekend at Bernie's"... "Wait a minutes... that guy looks more like a Garry than a Bernie. This Movie's Bull Shit!")
What about your TMBS moments?
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Snoozing's My Religion
You can never brag about a nap! What's wrong with this country?
That's why I love Mexicans-- the siesta!
Now that's my kind of culture.
Also, big hats.
And whenever someone calls you and wakes you up, they can hear it in your voice.
"Oh, did I wake you?"
And we all lie.
"No no. I was up."
When we REALLY want to say,
"OF COURSE you woke me up! You called me at the ungodly hour of 2 in the afternoon!"
That's why I love Mexicans-- the siesta!
Now that's my kind of culture.
Also, big hats.
And whenever someone calls you and wakes you up, they can hear it in your voice.
"Oh, did I wake you?"
And we all lie.
"No no. I was up."
When we REALLY want to say,
"OF COURSE you woke me up! You called me at the ungodly hour of 2 in the afternoon!"
It's Just a Hole!
True exchange.
Bill: "Grandma wants to see the Grand Canyon before she dies."
Jeff: "Now? It's January! It's a terrible time to visit the Grand Canyon."
Bill: "Yeah, you're right. It'll be better to visit the Grand Canyon after she's dead."
Bill: "Grandma wants to see the Grand Canyon before she dies."
Jeff: "Now? It's January! It's a terrible time to visit the Grand Canyon."
Bill: "Yeah, you're right. It'll be better to visit the Grand Canyon after she's dead."
After Math
Geometry was the only math class at which I excelled. All those angles and whatnot.
Probably because the word "perpendicular" sounds a lot like "poop and dick...ular"
Probably because the word "perpendicular" sounds a lot like "poop and dick...ular"
Friday, December 28, 2007
I've been Bear-alyzed
I was watching the National Geographic channel today.
(I know what you're thinking... they have THAT as a channel? Does it show those topless tribeswomen with rings in their noses?)
The program I watched discussed bears, specifically black bears of Alaska (or Ursus americanus americanus).
Apparently these bears can
swim over 5 miles in the icy waters of Alaska,
hear twice as far as humans
smell 100 times farther
climb faster than they can run,
and they can run over 25 MPH.
So why the hell do we have teddy bears? What's so cute and cuddly about that??
A bear would maul the hell out of Clifford the big, red dog.
Eviscerate-Me Elmo.
Black bears are the Jason Bourne of the animal kingdom. Now we must manufacture Matt Damon dolls for our children to cuddle.
What's so weird about that?
(I know what you're thinking... they have THAT as a channel? Does it show those topless tribeswomen with rings in their noses?)
The program I watched discussed bears, specifically black bears of Alaska (or Ursus americanus americanus).
Apparently these bears can
swim over 5 miles in the icy waters of Alaska,
hear twice as far as humans
smell 100 times farther
climb faster than they can run,
and they can run over 25 MPH.
So why the hell do we have teddy bears? What's so cute and cuddly about that??
A bear would maul the hell out of Clifford the big, red dog.
Eviscerate-Me Elmo.
Black bears are the Jason Bourne of the animal kingdom. Now we must manufacture Matt Damon dolls for our children to cuddle.
What's so weird about that?
Thursday, December 27, 2007
"I have no gift to bring..."
I typed in "christmas" in CNN.com's website search bar, here's what came up, in this order:
First of all, the priorities are out of whack!
This is what the three wise men should've brought Jesus (instead dumb ol' gold, myrrh and Frankenberry) :
Family activities,
a Computer and
Lingerie!
("Let he who is without crotchless panties cast the first stone")
Spare the Rod...
I just saw a commercial for a brand-spankin' new thermometor for children!
I remember a few years ago there was an "in-the-ear" thermometer (a far cry from my youth, which involved "in-the-rear" temperature taking... 98.6 degrees and 100% fabulous!).
This caused no pain, but was still awkward, since some people have ear issues (I blame the predominace of "wet willies" in our playgrounds).
Next there was an "under-the-armpit" thermometer. This was awesome! You just stick a metal and plastic thing under the pit for 5 seconds and BAM! Temperature!
Well, apparently this was no good, either. I guess prepubescent kids didn't feel comfortable taking off their shirts for the school nurse (or, if she was busy, the school janitor who was in his work-release program).
So now there is a NEW thermometer! An Infra-red Thermometer!
With this one, you point it at the child's forehead for 3 seconds, it emits a glowing red dot, and BAM!
Your kid has a bindi! ... Or looks like he is about to be assassinated.
Temperature taken.
Supposedly it works. So now you can take your child's temperature without having to touch him or her. Oh, happy day! Pass the Purell hand sanitizer. We are desensitizing our kids to the real world, weakening their immune system, while at the same time exposing them to a plethora of violence, sex and "High School Musicals."
I'm not saying we should shove horse turds into the bottom of their footie-pajamas, but we can't raise them to live in little plastic bubbles either (of course, if used a little plastic bubble then the kids wouldn't be here to begin with).
It's like allowing chuldren to watch reality television.
And for the Consumer Reports, I did a price comparison at "securebaby.com"--
The Infra-red thermometer runs $83, plus shipping.
Meanwhile, you can get a combination underarm, rectal and oral for just $29.
Now, I'm not a Vegas hooker, but that sounds like somebody is getting screwed... and it's in the face.
I remember a few years ago there was an "in-the-ear" thermometer (a far cry from my youth, which involved "in-the-rear" temperature taking... 98.6 degrees and 100% fabulous!).
This caused no pain, but was still awkward, since some people have ear issues (I blame the predominace of "wet willies" in our playgrounds).
Next there was an "under-the-armpit" thermometer. This was awesome! You just stick a metal and plastic thing under the pit for 5 seconds and BAM! Temperature!
Well, apparently this was no good, either. I guess prepubescent kids didn't feel comfortable taking off their shirts for the school nurse (or, if she was busy, the school janitor who was in his work-release program).
So now there is a NEW thermometer! An Infra-red Thermometer!
With this one, you point it at the child's forehead for 3 seconds, it emits a glowing red dot, and BAM!
Your kid has a bindi! ... Or looks like he is about to be assassinated.
Temperature taken.
Supposedly it works. So now you can take your child's temperature without having to touch him or her. Oh, happy day! Pass the Purell hand sanitizer. We are desensitizing our kids to the real world, weakening their immune system, while at the same time exposing them to a plethora of violence, sex and "High School Musicals."
I'm not saying we should shove horse turds into the bottom of their footie-pajamas, but we can't raise them to live in little plastic bubbles either (of course, if used a little plastic bubble then the kids wouldn't be here to begin with).
It's like allowing chuldren to watch reality television.
And for the Consumer Reports, I did a price comparison at "securebaby.com"--
The Infra-red thermometer runs $83, plus shipping.
Meanwhile, you can get a combination underarm, rectal and oral for just $29.
Now, I'm not a Vegas hooker, but that sounds like somebody is getting screwed... and it's in the face.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Mystery Smut
Idea for a porno:
"Sherlock John Holmes "
...and the Case of the Missing Pickle
"Rear entry, my dear Watson."
"Sherlock John Holmes "
...and the Case of the Missing Pickle
"Rear entry, my dear Watson."
Friday, December 21, 2007
Whom Would Jesus Do?
So all anyopne can talk about in this season of Jesus and presents is actually a gift the Lord has given to everyone:
The Spears Girls!
... and how easy it seems to be to impregnate them!
To be fair, they are excellent Jesus figures:
Jamie Lynn is "the Son,"
Britney is "The Father"
and "The Holy Spirit" is the nebulous, fleeting memory of both of their hymens.
(sigh)
"Come all ye faithful"...
("ye faithful" refers to the fellas who bed the Spears "ho ho ho"s)
...Actually, a manger was probably the 2000-year-old, Bethlehem equivalent of a trailer park today. So really, Jamie Lynn could be the next "Virgin Mary-Lou."
The Spears Girls!
... and how easy it seems to be to impregnate them!
To be fair, they are excellent Jesus figures:
Jamie Lynn is "the Son,"
Britney is "The Father"
and "The Holy Spirit" is the nebulous, fleeting memory of both of their hymens.
(sigh)
"Come all ye faithful"...
("ye faithful" refers to the fellas who bed the Spears "ho ho ho"s)
...Actually, a manger was probably the 2000-year-old, Bethlehem equivalent of a trailer park today. So really, Jamie Lynn could be the next "Virgin Mary-Lou."
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Two Drink Minimum
I was recently labeled a "two beer queer."
This refers to my low level of alcohol tolerance (the number drinks I require to acheive inebriation).
First of all, ONE of those beers was a CapriSun laced with RedBull.
Secondly, I take umbrage with this moniker (and I take umbrellas with monocles!).
The gay community deserves more credit than that, and most homosexuals require more alcohol to get sloshed (they LOVE alcohol SO much they have their own bars... and their own parades, the ideal venue for being drunk).
Also, if one is using queer as Noah Webster intended (adj., "differing in some odd way from what is usual or normal"), it's still lousy. This assumes that MOST people require MORE than two beers to get intoxicated.
Well, I only drink with toddlers!
And those chubby Baby Einsteins couldn't even finish a Mike's Hard Cranberry-Lemonade from their Cookie Monster sip-cups...
and they were still crapping themselves!
Talk about lightweights!
Totally disoriented. They couldn't even tell me how to get... how to get to Sesame Street!
This refers to my low level of alcohol tolerance (the number drinks I require to acheive inebriation).
First of all, ONE of those beers was a CapriSun laced with RedBull.
Secondly, I take umbrage with this moniker (and I take umbrellas with monocles!).
The gay community deserves more credit than that, and most homosexuals require more alcohol to get sloshed (they LOVE alcohol SO much they have their own bars... and their own parades, the ideal venue for being drunk).
Also, if one is using queer as Noah Webster intended (adj., "differing in some odd way from what is usual or normal"), it's still lousy. This assumes that MOST people require MORE than two beers to get intoxicated.
Well, I only drink with toddlers!
And those chubby Baby Einsteins couldn't even finish a Mike's Hard Cranberry-Lemonade from their Cookie Monster sip-cups...
and they were still crapping themselves!
Talk about lightweights!
Totally disoriented. They couldn't even tell me how to get... how to get to Sesame Street!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
"Just Say No"
Which of these is NOT a slang term for drugs:
a) Blow
b) Crack
c) African Bush
d) Rimjob
e) Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger
a) Blow
b) Crack
c) African Bush
d) Rimjob
e) Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger
"Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree..."
"It's the toilet for the dog to pee"
(What do YOU think the next verse is?)
What is the history of the Christmas tree tradition? (or "Jesus' yuletide shire of love")
Let us go to the most trusted news source I can reach from my chair that isn't CNN.com:
WIKIPEDIA!!!!
Certain trees held great symbolic significance for Germanic tribes. It seems Pagan kings in Germany would sacrifice trees at the sacred groves every ninth year (Duh!).
The mighty Saint Boniface (That saint is so funny!) attempted to Christianize the tribes by inocrporating cone-shaped evergreen trees which, because of their triangular shape, could symbolize the Trinity of The Father, The Son and Curly. I suppose he could've incorportated spanakopita or sea captain hats made out of newspaper, since they are triangluar too.
No word as to whether these Germanic tribes created any Hanukkah bushes... I'm guessing nein.
Actually, many Christmas customs come from Germanic paganism: Stocking-stuffing, Christmas hams, Yule Logs, elements of Santa Claus and Yule Goats (which apparently can be found on the same aisle as Yule Logs at your local grocer).
To learn more about Christmas, accept Jesus into your heart and become a German pagan!
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_tree)
(What do YOU think the next verse is?)
What is the history of the Christmas tree tradition? (or "Jesus' yuletide shire of love")
Let us go to the most trusted news source I can reach from my chair that isn't CNN.com:
WIKIPEDIA!!!!
Certain trees held great symbolic significance for Germanic tribes. It seems Pagan kings in Germany would sacrifice trees at the sacred groves every ninth year (Duh!).
The mighty Saint Boniface (That saint is so funny!) attempted to Christianize the tribes by inocrporating cone-shaped evergreen trees which, because of their triangular shape, could symbolize the Trinity of The Father, The Son and Curly. I suppose he could've incorportated spanakopita or sea captain hats made out of newspaper, since they are triangluar too.
No word as to whether these Germanic tribes created any Hanukkah bushes... I'm guessing nein.
Actually, many Christmas customs come from Germanic paganism: Stocking-stuffing, Christmas hams, Yule Logs, elements of Santa Claus and Yule Goats (which apparently can be found on the same aisle as Yule Logs at your local grocer).
To learn more about Christmas, accept Jesus into your heart and become a German pagan!
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_tree)
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
"...They've lasted for so many years"
According to my men in the field (CNN.com), due to severe ice storms in the South, there may be 20,000 homes in rural
What does this mean?
That thousands might have to celebrate Christmas without Christmas lights (which is like celebrating the birth of Jesus with no coniferous German fir tree).
Now, I'm not saying that this is a sign that God hates Christmas and loves Hanukkah, but...
According to one Oklahoma boy, the 7-year-old Josue Velasquez, it IS!
"We've gone eight days without lights," the boy said. "We just sit on the couch and wait for the lights to come on."
Y'know, I recall another group of people who needed light for eight days. Remember what they did? Hm?? Oh yeah, they beat the crap out of Anthony Quinn! Maccabees:1, Zorba:0.
My Big Fat Greek Ass-Whoopin'!
Come on, People of the South, join the winning team! Over two thousand years ago, Jews in Ancient Israel learned that oil is the solution to everybody's problems, and it's still true to this day!... especially in that part of the world.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The Daring Donut Dispatcher of Due Process
This has just been releasedd by CNN.com (motto:FOX NEWS meets Ryan Seacrest):
"Donut clerk: 'I smacked robber by instinct'"
That's right. If you go to YouTube, you can see security camera footage of an Elmwood, NJ Dunkin' Donuts employee repeatedly whacking a potential thief over the head with a cermaic mug used for tips.
When the employee opened the register to complete a transaction, the perp (who is still on the loose, presumably pilfering Krispy Kremes) reached into the register. Then the employee dished out a mug of jelly-filled justice!
As Spicoli would say, "Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!"
If apprehended, the suspect will be held without bail and without sprinkles.
The employee's name (I am NOT making this up)... Dustin Hoffmann.
(http://www.kwwl.com/News/index.php?ID=19188)
"Donut clerk: 'I smacked robber by instinct'"
That's right. If you go to YouTube, you can see security camera footage of an Elmwood, NJ Dunkin' Donuts employee repeatedly whacking a potential thief over the head with a cermaic mug used for tips.
When the employee opened the register to complete a transaction, the perp (who is still on the loose, presumably pilfering Krispy Kremes) reached into the register. Then the employee dished out a mug of jelly-filled justice!
As Spicoli would say, "Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!"
If apprehended, the suspect will be held without bail and without sprinkles.
The employee's name (I am NOT making this up)... Dustin Hoffmann.
(http://www.kwwl.com/News/index.php?ID=19188)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
END OF DAYS!
Today is the final day of Hanukkah.
Yes, Hanukkah... that magical holiday where we remember the night Jesus and his reindeer had just enough oil to go 88 MPH and return to the year 1985.
(as it is written in the four Gospels, including the controversial Book of Raphael... he was cool, but rude)
Yes, Hanukkah... that magical holiday where we remember the night Jesus and his reindeer had just enough oil to go 88 MPH and return to the year 1985.
(as it is written in the four Gospels, including the controversial Book of Raphael... he was cool, but rude)
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Un-BEAR-able Teacher Freed!
Thank goodness!
Last week, Gillian Gibbons, 54, the teacher in Sudan who was arrested for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Mohammed", returned home to London after 15 days in a Sudanese prison.
She was pardoned by Sudan's president, Omar al-Bashir.
What a swell guy, that Omar!
15 days in prison??
All it took was 15 days to let her go!
15 days??? That's almost 2 Hanukkahs!
... as I'm sure Omar is aware.
This makes me think twice about naming my testicles Uday and Qusai.
... And I think we all know which is which.
Last week, Gillian Gibbons, 54, the teacher in Sudan who was arrested for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Mohammed", returned home to London after 15 days in a Sudanese prison.
She was pardoned by Sudan's president, Omar al-Bashir.
What a swell guy, that Omar!
15 days in prison??
All it took was 15 days to let her go!
15 days??? That's almost 2 Hanukkahs!
... as I'm sure Omar is aware.
This makes me think twice about naming my testicles Uday and Qusai.
... And I think we all know which is which.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Cable Nitwit Network
Just a summary of the headlines from CNN.com... In the words of Dave Barry, I am NOT making these up:
"30,000 hear Oprah stump for Obama"
"Do celebrities sway voters?"
"600-pound tiger gets root canal"
"Naked men shop for Skittles"
CNN... Your source for retarded news.
P.S. Should Oprah be "stumping" another man? Steadman vs. Barack-- cage match!
"30,000 hear Oprah stump for Obama"
"Do celebrities sway voters?"
"600-pound tiger gets root canal"
"Naked men shop for Skittles"
CNN... Your source for retarded news.
P.S. Should Oprah be "stumping" another man? Steadman vs. Barack-- cage match!
Subway Candy
Y'know those urban youths who walk through subway cars, selling big boxes of candy to "raise money for their basketball teams" or "just to keep [them] off the streets"...
They ALWAYS have "M&M: Peanut" left. Not "Peanut M&Ms", mind you, but "M&M: Peanut."
Peculiar.
Why don't people like Peanut M&Ms?
They'll eat a "Chunky" or an "Almond Joy" or even "Good and Plenty" (licorice? Come ON!) , but not "M&M: Peanut??"
Also, what ever happened to Chicklets?
They ALWAYS have "M&M: Peanut" left. Not "Peanut M&Ms", mind you, but "M&M: Peanut."
Peculiar.
Why don't people like Peanut M&Ms?
They'll eat a "Chunky" or an "Almond Joy" or even "Good and Plenty" (licorice? Come ON!) , but not "M&M: Peanut??"
Also, what ever happened to Chicklets?
Friday, December 7, 2007
Who Needs Christmas? Light the Menorah!
HANUKKAH!
It's great for the little ones!
Hanukkah has four things kids love more than anything else:
-snow
-presents
-chocolate
and
-fire!
... and socks?
It's great for the little ones!
Hanukkah has four things kids love more than anything else:
-snow
-presents
-chocolate
and
-fire!
... and socks?
Thursday, December 6, 2007
"Thanks for noticing me"
Eeyore is the most depressed character in all of children's literature and cartoons.
We need to set him up with Kanga for a night (and we know it's a done deal because Lil' Roo is proof that she puts out). He would be happier than Tigger on crack (which is redundant).
P.S. Possible title for an Eeyore porno: "Hundred Acre Wood"
We need to set him up with Kanga for a night (and we know it's a done deal because Lil' Roo is proof that she puts out). He would be happier than Tigger on crack (which is redundant).
P.S. Possible title for an Eeyore porno: "Hundred Acre Wood"
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Never Say Die
You know a relationship has issues when your only role playing game is Sloth and Chunk from "The Goonies"
"Hey, you guuuuys!"
"Hey, you guuuuys!"
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
King Kongstein
I have just been informed that the Empire State Building will have its outside lights tinted blue and white tonight in honor of the first night Hanukkah, which begins at nightfall.
I couldn't be more proud.
Now if only the Statue of Liberty could be holding a giant dreidel... or light a Hanukkiah the size of Madison Square Garden.
Maybe replace the heads on Mt. Rushmore with Woody Allen, Steven Spielberg, Albert Einstein and a giant matzoh ball.
Please, your suggestions?
I couldn't be more proud.
Now if only the Statue of Liberty could be holding a giant dreidel... or light a Hanukkiah the size of Madison Square Garden.
Maybe replace the heads on Mt. Rushmore with Woody Allen, Steven Spielberg, Albert Einstein and a giant matzoh ball.
Please, your suggestions?
Eucharist? Euchan't be serious!
So if wine is the blood of Christ,
then eggnog would be His...?
Woah. Too far.
then eggnog would be His...?
Woah. Too far.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Grand Theft Beverage: Vice City
Coffee and Alcohol--
They both taste wretched, which is why we try to cover up the taste.
If alcohol and coffee actually tasted good, we wouldn't spend so much money paying frustrated actors wearing green baseball caps and false smiles to add cinnamon, caramel and chocolate syrup to our java and paying frustrated musicians wearing tight shirts and body piercings to add soda, orange juice, cherries, and tiny umbrellas to our booze.
But both are viewed as medicinal, hence the soaring price tags not deterring the soaring sales.
$12 for a Strawberry Daiquiri?
"What a day! I NEED a drink."
$5.45 for a Grande, No Whip, Caramel Macchiato?
"Oh, I NEED my coffee. I'm dead without it."
And both beverages force you visit the bathroom not long afterwards. Open up your mind instead of your wallet... and an extra bodily orifice.
Just because you're bending over the toilet doesn't mean you have to take it up the ass.
They both taste wretched, which is why we try to cover up the taste.
If alcohol and coffee actually tasted good, we wouldn't spend so much money paying frustrated actors wearing green baseball caps and false smiles to add cinnamon, caramel and chocolate syrup to our java and paying frustrated musicians wearing tight shirts and body piercings to add soda, orange juice, cherries, and tiny umbrellas to our booze.
But both are viewed as medicinal, hence the soaring price tags not deterring the soaring sales.
$12 for a Strawberry Daiquiri?
"What a day! I NEED a drink."
$5.45 for a Grande, No Whip, Caramel Macchiato?
"Oh, I NEED my coffee. I'm dead without it."
And both beverages force you visit the bathroom not long afterwards. Open up your mind instead of your wallet... and an extra bodily orifice.
Just because you're bending over the toilet doesn't mean you have to take it up the ass.
"Bad-Ass Grandpa" Rap
Penned by yours truly and Zack:
Grandpa Grandpa! Whadday say?
I'm gonna school y'all- class is in session
My old ass lived through the Great Depression.
I'm not from the 'hood and I may not be black
I'm from Plainview, Long Island, and a nice cul-de-sac.
I dig Beyonce and her sexy curlz
And I love that Blanche from the Golden Girls.
I like P-Diddy, and also Matlock
My back is stiffer than my shriveled old--
Grandpa Grandpa! Whadday say?
I'm so old I might die today!
I'm a badass grandpa- and I'm on health care,
If you like Metamucil wave your cane in the air.
I'm a badass grandpa- and I'm on health care,
If you like Metamucil wave your cane in the air.
My hearing is bad and my testicles sag. I like my bitches down and dirty,
I traded my .45 for a colostomy bag.
I like my dinner at about four-thirty.
I got mad skills
And I take mad pills
Don't make me trip
Cause I'll break my damn hip!
I like Jay-Z and half-sour pickles.
For your birthday I'll give you a handful of nickels.
(In my day a nickel was a lot of money )
I can still bust a rhyme, even though I'm old Prune juice (damn!)! That's some mighty fine stuff. I wear an I.D. bracelet and not a gold watch Pop a cap in my ass, if you think you're a sniper,
I got false teeth, but they're all gold.
I complain cause me kids don't call me enough.
It's a wheelchair (What?) – not a joint I'm rollin'
I got diverticulitis in my over-sized colon.
You can suck my dick while I suck a butterscotch
That bullet's gotta get past my a-dult diaper.
What- speak up! Don't raise your voice to me
I get jiggy then I have a warm cup of tea.
To the players in this piece , y'all better beware
I just put rims on my pimp wheel chair.
I'm a bad ass grandpa, I'm nobody's fool
Stand back and watch as I kick it old school!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Metaphysical Masturbation?
This just in from wsbtv.com, local news station for Gwinnett County, Georgia
(http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14729779/detail.html):
"Elijah Canady and Kelley Kirkley want you to know their home is wholesome and their cable is not kinky, even though nearly a dozen pornographic movie titles were on their cable bill. This was part of an unexplained recent rise in unwarranted charges to numerous cable subscribers in the Georgia area.
Canady said they did not order any of the movies.
'It’s only me and her,' said Elijah Canady. 'There’s no kids, there’s no dog, there’s no ghost that’s wanting to watch this type of stuff.'"
Hmmm. Interesting. Methinks the man of the house protests too much. His reasoning went from himself and his wife to children, to house pets, to... (cough) ghosts!
Of course! Logical progression! If I didn't order "The Golden CumpAss," it must have been the work of the Undead!
Now I picture a horny old ghost (played by the late Ray Walston or Don Knotts) touching his metaphysical self while watching "Stick it in my Rear Window."
I blame that sexy Patrick Swayze and his questionable pottery-making methods.
Would ghosts really NEED to watch cable porn in Gwinnett County, Georgia? Wouldn't they have much better smut in the Afterlife? Like watching a three-way with Joan of Arc, George Burns and Tupac?!
(http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14729779/detail.html):
"Elijah Canady and Kelley Kirkley want you to know their home is wholesome and their cable is not kinky, even though nearly a dozen pornographic movie titles were on their cable bill. This was part of an unexplained recent rise in unwarranted charges to numerous cable subscribers in the Georgia area.
Canady said they did not order any of the movies.
'It’s only me and her,' said Elijah Canady. 'There’s no kids, there’s no dog, there’s no ghost that’s wanting to watch this type of stuff.'"
Hmmm. Interesting. Methinks the man of the house protests too much. His reasoning went from himself and his wife to children, to house pets, to... (cough) ghosts!
Of course! Logical progression! If I didn't order "The Golden CumpAss," it must have been the work of the Undead!
Now I picture a horny old ghost (played by the late Ray Walston or Don Knotts) touching his metaphysical self while watching "Stick it in my Rear Window."
I blame that sexy Patrick Swayze and his questionable pottery-making methods.
Would ghosts really NEED to watch cable porn in Gwinnett County, Georgia? Wouldn't they have much better smut in the Afterlife? Like watching a three-way with Joan of Arc, George Burns and Tupac?!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Go Diego, Go!
At the doctor's office, when not keeping up with current events through "People" magazine (Jake Gyllenhaal wears baseball hats and drinks coffee!) I read children's literature. Time for a book review:
"Go, Diego! Go!: Diego's Sea Turtle Adventure!"
FYI, Diego is the puckish, Spanish lad who chills with Dora the Explorer.
Here is the tagline for the book: "Will Diego find Luis in time to safely bring him back to his reef?"
"Who is Luis?" I hear you hypothetically asking yourself.
Idiot! Luis is a Hawksbill sea turtle!
Duh!
"But Aaron," you insist, "Isn't Luis a Leatherback sea turtle?
No, Retard! Hawksbill sea turtles have brown-yellow shells with pointy beaks and Leatherback sea turtles have black and white shells and blunt beaks. Is there any limit to your stupidity?
Thank you, Diego. Thank you.
I should've guessed that I wouldn't identify with this book. Here is the first sentence:
"Help! Help! Ayudenme!" Diego heard as his hang glider sailed over the rainforest canopy."
Finally, a kids' book I can relate to! I try to use numerous Spanish interjections while sailing over rainforest canopies in my hang glider!
Ay dios mio!
"Go, Diego! Go!: Diego's Sea Turtle Adventure!"
FYI, Diego is the puckish, Spanish lad who chills with Dora the Explorer.
Here is the tagline for the book: "Will Diego find Luis in time to safely bring him back to his reef?"
"Who is Luis?" I hear you hypothetically asking yourself.
Idiot! Luis is a Hawksbill sea turtle!
Duh!
"But Aaron," you insist, "Isn't Luis a Leatherback sea turtle?
No, Retard! Hawksbill sea turtles have brown-yellow shells with pointy beaks and Leatherback sea turtles have black and white shells and blunt beaks. Is there any limit to your stupidity?
Thank you, Diego. Thank you.
I should've guessed that I wouldn't identify with this book. Here is the first sentence:
"Help! Help! Ayudenme!" Diego heard as his hang glider sailed over the rainforest canopy."
Finally, a kids' book I can relate to! I try to use numerous Spanish interjections while sailing over rainforest canopies in my hang glider!
Ay dios mio!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Cute, Cuddly, Infidel!
From CNN.com:
A British teacher was arrested in Khartoum, Sudan after allowing her class to name a teddy bear "Mohammed." She has been charged by authorities with offending religion, state-run media in Sudan report. In Sudan, insulting Islam is punishable with 40 lashes and a jail term of up to six months."
Yikes. I guess the class should've gone with their second choice: "Winnie the (Scheming) Jew."
A British teacher was arrested in Khartoum, Sudan after allowing her class to name a teddy bear "Mohammed." She has been charged by authorities with offending religion, state-run media in Sudan report. In Sudan, insulting Islam is punishable with 40 lashes and a jail term of up to six months."
Yikes. I guess the class should've gone with their second choice: "Winnie the (Scheming) Jew."
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
"Take Some Anti-Depressants, Charlie Brown!"
I caught a little bit of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on TV recently.
What a bummer. That bald, meloncholy goober brings me down every damn year.
He needs to get his Peanuts off with that Cute, Little Red-Haired Girl.
Oh, and Lucy's a bitch.
What a bummer. That bald, meloncholy goober brings me down every damn year.
He needs to get his Peanuts off with that Cute, Little Red-Haired Girl.
Oh, and Lucy's a bitch.
The Doctor Is In
I had a dentist appointment yesterday, which means two things:
1. I got to catch up on my "People" Magazine reading (oooh, photos of Kate Hudson leaving a Target store, she's just like me!)
and 2. I had my mouth open 2 inches away from another man. At first I felt weird that this relative stranger was staring into my mouth, but on the other hand I got to look straight up his nose, so it's all good.
1. I got to catch up on my "People" Magazine reading (oooh, photos of Kate Hudson leaving a Target store, she's just like me!)
and 2. I had my mouth open 2 inches away from another man. At first I felt weird that this relative stranger was staring into my mouth, but on the other hand I got to look straight up his nose, so it's all good.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
It's Been A Hard Day's Night
"I've been working like a dog."
I take umbrage with this simile. No dog I've known has been a hard worker. In fact, most dogs make Garfield look like a puma on acid. Maybe not sled dogs or St. Bernards in the frozen tundra of Anchorage, but most dogs' daily schedules consist of licking themselves, sniffing poop and becoming amorous with someone's leg.
My dog wouldn't even beg for food. She would demand it from the other room. Then my father would ask, "How come the dog's farts smell so bad?" And we would explain to him, "Because you feed her what you eat."
I take umbrage with this simile. No dog I've known has been a hard worker. In fact, most dogs make Garfield look like a puma on acid. Maybe not sled dogs or St. Bernards in the frozen tundra of Anchorage, but most dogs' daily schedules consist of licking themselves, sniffing poop and becoming amorous with someone's leg.
My dog wouldn't even beg for food. She would demand it from the other room. Then my father would ask, "How come the dog's farts smell so bad?" And we would explain to him, "Because you feed her what you eat."
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Black and White
Me: They should make more black and white movies now.
Zack: Really?
Me: Sure. Or maybe just combine the two best black and white movies of the last 15 years!
Zack: Which are...?
Me: Schindler's List and Clerks.
Zack: Hmmm... "One more. I could've sucked one more dick."
Zack: Really?
Me: Sure. Or maybe just combine the two best black and white movies of the last 15 years!
Zack: Which are...?
Me: Schindler's List and Clerks.
Zack: Hmmm... "One more. I could've sucked one more dick."
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Sub-human
As people descend into the depths of the subway, their level of morality descends as well. As they leave the earth's surface, they leave their humanity behund.
As H.G. Wells would say, they transform from Eloi to Morlock.
I saw a guy taking a shit NEXT TO a trash can on a subway platform.
And there is no going back.
As H.G. Wells would say, they transform from Eloi to Morlock.
I saw a guy taking a shit NEXT TO a trash can on a subway platform.
And there is no going back.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Have A Nice Day
Instead of asking someone,
"How was your day?"
I think we should say,
"Have you stepped in shit?"
Because it means the same thing: If you did not step in shit, then your day was not that bad (because you can always say, "Hey, at least I didn't step in shit!"). But if you did step in shit, then that is exactly how your day has been: shitty. Then there is the whole metaphorical slant: Your Soul has stepped in the Shit of Life (also, it's pun-tastic-- Sole!).
Have a not-shit-covered day!
"How was your day?"
I think we should say,
"Have you stepped in shit?"
Because it means the same thing: If you did not step in shit, then your day was not that bad (because you can always say, "Hey, at least I didn't step in shit!"). But if you did step in shit, then that is exactly how your day has been: shitty. Then there is the whole metaphorical slant: Your Soul has stepped in the Shit of Life (also, it's pun-tastic-- Sole!).
Have a not-shit-covered day!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Touched for the Very First-- oops! Sorry.
I have a beef with the phrase "Lose your virginity."
"To lose" something implies it was an accident. You lose your keys, your socks, your bus ticket.
But by most guys' accounts, not only was losing their virginity not an accident, it was the most deliberate act of their lives. It is planned, orchestrated, over-analyzed and attempted several times.
But "losing" is also negative-- You lose your mind, your will to live, your lunch. And by most women's accounts, this seems to describe their first time quite accurately: The first time is crazy, disappointing and it induces nausea.
"To lose" something implies it was an accident. You lose your keys, your socks, your bus ticket.
But by most guys' accounts, not only was losing their virginity not an accident, it was the most deliberate act of their lives. It is planned, orchestrated, over-analyzed and attempted several times.
But "losing" is also negative-- You lose your mind, your will to live, your lunch. And by most women's accounts, this seems to describe their first time quite accurately: The first time is crazy, disappointing and it induces nausea.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
The Woodpecker Finch of the Galapagos Islands
I just learned what Charles Darwin learned 150 years ago: there is a Woodpecker Finch indigenous to the Galapagos Islands that is off the hook! His tongue is too short to reach grubs inside tree branches, so what does he do?
He breaks off a tiny twig, holds it in his beak, and pokes around under the tree bark until some grubs come up.
That's right-- the bird makes tools! A veritable ornithological MacGuyver!
Finally! Now the Woodpecker Finch can be the lock-picker on a motley crew of international jewel thieves, all he needs is a squirrel who's good with explosives, a monkey on roller skates and George Clooney.
He breaks off a tiny twig, holds it in his beak, and pokes around under the tree bark until some grubs come up.
That's right-- the bird makes tools! A veritable ornithological MacGuyver!
Finally! Now the Woodpecker Finch can be the lock-picker on a motley crew of international jewel thieves, all he needs is a squirrel who's good with explosives, a monkey on roller skates and George Clooney.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Sympathy for the Devil
"Hello, Mrs. Gloria Snarfblatt? I am Mr. Oglethorpe. I teach your son Julian at Westcherry Academy."
"Oh, hello. And how is my little Julian doing?"
"Well, I must ask you Mrs. Snarfblatt... did He pull out?
"... What?"
"I'm sorry, allow me to elaborate. What I mean is... When Lucifer, the Dark Prince, was mounting you from behind (Cerebus-style, as He would put it), I am assuming He was not wearing a Christ Condom with holy water as spermicidal lube; rather, as He was mounting you and was about to climax, did He pull out? Did He extract His throbbing, flaming, three-headed, pitchfork-shaped cock from your nether regions and then deposit a healthy dose of Satanic splooge on your lower back, causing your 3rd degree burns as His unholy jizm sizzled on your flesh? Is that how it happened? Because there is no other rational explanation for your child, who --I am convinced-- is the spawn of Satan! So, allow me to ask again: Did He pull out?"
"Oh, hello. And how is my little Julian doing?"
"Well, I must ask you Mrs. Snarfblatt... did He pull out?
"... What?"
"I'm sorry, allow me to elaborate. What I mean is... When Lucifer, the Dark Prince, was mounting you from behind (Cerebus-style, as He would put it), I am assuming He was not wearing a Christ Condom with holy water as spermicidal lube; rather, as He was mounting you and was about to climax, did He pull out? Did He extract His throbbing, flaming, three-headed, pitchfork-shaped cock from your nether regions and then deposit a healthy dose of Satanic splooge on your lower back, causing your 3rd degree burns as His unholy jizm sizzled on your flesh? Is that how it happened? Because there is no other rational explanation for your child, who --I am convinced-- is the spawn of Satan! So, allow me to ask again: Did He pull out?"
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
An Immature Time-Waster (i.e., this blog)
A pal of mine (mikesunderwhere.blogspot) just introduced me to a marvelous game:
"I like my men like I like my..."
And insert any noun you happen to be discussing. Here's what we started with:
"I like my men like I like my wrist watches..."
And here's what we came up with:
"With two hands and a leather strap on."
Immature Innuendo? Yup. Clever? Somewhat. The kind of thing that gets stuck in your head? Let's hope so!
"I like my men like I like my..."
And insert any noun you happen to be discussing. Here's what we started with:
"I like my men like I like my wrist watches..."
And here's what we came up with:
"With two hands and a leather strap on."
Immature Innuendo? Yup. Clever? Somewhat. The kind of thing that gets stuck in your head? Let's hope so!
Technology and Literacy
I have just been informed that my cell phone, which doesn't take photos, access the internet or grill bacon whilst letting the excess grease run off) is an "old model!"
(scoff scoff)...
How is that possible? Cell phones have only been around for, like, 2 years! Remember Zack Morris? HE had an old model-- a cell phone the size of a shoe box (but it still didn't get him his father's attention)!
Technology! I remember in third grade when we had to start TYPING UP papers on a COMPUTER! Weird! Nothing else from third grade is useful anymore: cursive handwriting, multiplication, and "Sarah Plain and Tall" (An Amish Giant? Hey Sarah, either join the WNBA or slap on some rouge).
Third Grade Reading List:
What about the book "Babar Tramples Madeline!"
or
"Encyclopedia Brown has a three-way with the Hardy Boys then makes a Superfudge on Nancy Drew's chest... while the Boxcar Children watch."
(scoff scoff)...
How is that possible? Cell phones have only been around for, like, 2 years! Remember Zack Morris? HE had an old model-- a cell phone the size of a shoe box (but it still didn't get him his father's attention)!
Technology! I remember in third grade when we had to start TYPING UP papers on a COMPUTER! Weird! Nothing else from third grade is useful anymore: cursive handwriting, multiplication, and "Sarah Plain and Tall" (An Amish Giant? Hey Sarah, either join the WNBA or slap on some rouge).
Third Grade Reading List:
What about the book "Babar Tramples Madeline!"
or
"Encyclopedia Brown has a three-way with the Hardy Boys then makes a Superfudge on Nancy Drew's chest... while the Boxcar Children watch."
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Animal Adolescence
I wonder if people who are raised by wolves also go through a period of Lupine Puberty, awkwardly howling off-key at the moon and shamefully licking themselves behind a bush.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Measurements
When does a dollop become a glob?
Is a chunk less than a hunk?
Are oodles more than scads?
When does a teensy bit turn into a smidgen?
Is a wad a part of a gob?
How many clumps make up a cluster?
Ponder!
Is a chunk less than a hunk?
Are oodles more than scads?
When does a teensy bit turn into a smidgen?
Is a wad a part of a gob?
How many clumps make up a cluster?
Ponder!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Charity
I support all charities, especially Locks for Love. It speaks to my strengths-- any time laziness can be construed as philanthropy.
Friday, November 9, 2007
#1 Invention for #2
I just saw the most intriguing program, often labeled an informative commercial, that informed me of a wonderful product, and now I must share such information with you: "The Almighty Cleanse."
This was not a fancy way of referring to the Rapture, the inevitable Apocalypse whereby the Lord Almighty will cleanse the earth of the damned and Fraggles shall feast on the flesh of the wicked. "The Almighty Cleanse" refers to a colon-cleansing pill that helps you shit your troubles away.
If you're like me, you're probably named Zack. Also, the only point of reference for colon-cleansing you might have is from the film "The Nutty Professor" (starring Eddie Murphy, Oscar snubee for his flawless work in "Norbit"). So allow me to explain, in scientific terms, what this pill does... ahem (clearing of throat)... It makes you shit.
According to the program, "The Almighty Cleanse" can supposedly "flatten your tummy, clear your mind and relieve depression and stress" simply by inducing more bowel movements. Well, slap my ass and call me Douchebag! All this time I thought you fixed that stuff with exercise, medication, and psychological counseling, but it turns out that the real answer was right under my taint!
I also learned that the average male carries between 6 and 16 pounds of fecal matter inside his person during the course of one day. Sweet Baby James! It's like I'm pregnant with shit twins! I don't know about you, but I am going to change my life for the better and get myself a bottle of "The Almighty Cleanse" today. Right after I pick up an extra plunger.
This was not a fancy way of referring to the Rapture, the inevitable Apocalypse whereby the Lord Almighty will cleanse the earth of the damned and Fraggles shall feast on the flesh of the wicked. "The Almighty Cleanse" refers to a colon-cleansing pill that helps you shit your troubles away.
If you're like me, you're probably named Zack. Also, the only point of reference for colon-cleansing you might have is from the film "The Nutty Professor" (starring Eddie Murphy, Oscar snubee for his flawless work in "Norbit"). So allow me to explain, in scientific terms, what this pill does... ahem (clearing of throat)... It makes you shit.
According to the program, "The Almighty Cleanse" can supposedly "flatten your tummy, clear your mind and relieve depression and stress" simply by inducing more bowel movements. Well, slap my ass and call me Douchebag! All this time I thought you fixed that stuff with exercise, medication, and psychological counseling, but it turns out that the real answer was right under my taint!
I also learned that the average male carries between 6 and 16 pounds of fecal matter inside his person during the course of one day. Sweet Baby James! It's like I'm pregnant with shit twins! I don't know about you, but I am going to change my life for the better and get myself a bottle of "The Almighty Cleanse" today. Right after I pick up an extra plunger.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Mobsters
HBO's "The Sopranos" was a ground-breaking T.V. show that creatively merged family values with swear words. But since it's off the air now I think it is safe to say that "The Sopranos" put more homely people on television than "COPS". They are all very talented actors who made me afraid of New Jersey residents, but the men all look like Dick Tracy villains and the women look like Buddy Hackett in a wig.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Australia
Autralian Imports to the U.S. :
* Crocodiles
* The phrase "That's not a knife..."
* Dunkaroos.
Country of Criminals? Or Utopia?
* Crocodiles
* The phrase "That's not a knife..."
* Dunkaroos.
Country of Criminals? Or Utopia?
Being cool
It would be nice to be cool.
Once, just once in my life I want to walk away from something that just exploded... calmly remove a pair of sunglasses from my jacket... and put the sunglasses on my face. Just once! Picture it: Explosion behind me, my cool unflinching person taking out sunglasses and putting them on (Of course, they would have to be prescription sunglasses since I'm near-sighted). Universe, I'm waiting.
Once, just once in my life I want to walk away from something that just exploded... calmly remove a pair of sunglasses from my jacket... and put the sunglasses on my face. Just once! Picture it: Explosion behind me, my cool unflinching person taking out sunglasses and putting them on (Of course, they would have to be prescription sunglasses since I'm near-sighted). Universe, I'm waiting.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
T Rex
Welcome to my blog. You must really want to avoid working. I, myself, do not frequent an office... except the office of my own mind! Let us begin:
The Tyrannosarus Rex was the fiercest predator the world has ever known. It also had incredibly tiny hands and an incredibly large mouth. This leads me to believe that the Tyrannosarus Rex gave very mediocre handjobs, but extraordinary blowjobs. By this reasoning, we can safely assume that the Tyrannosarus Rex was extremely unpopular in eighth grade, but extremely popular in ninth grade.
Science!
The Tyrannosarus Rex was the fiercest predator the world has ever known. It also had incredibly tiny hands and an incredibly large mouth. This leads me to believe that the Tyrannosarus Rex gave very mediocre handjobs, but extraordinary blowjobs. By this reasoning, we can safely assume that the Tyrannosarus Rex was extremely unpopular in eighth grade, but extremely popular in ninth grade.
Science!
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