The trusty folk at AOL have informed me of the ten jobs that pay more than $30 an hour, full-time!
They are all fantastic career opportunities for me.
They include: Aircraft Maintenance Supervisor, Elevator Mechanic, MRI Technologist, and Ultrasonographer (puts the goop on the pregnant lady’s stomach then does the ultrasound... I can do that! I just have to point to the screen and say, "And there is your baby’s didgeredoo," b/c nobody knows what the hell they’re looking at anyway!).
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Auto Erotica
Thank you, faithful readers, for checking in!
From AOL.com homepage-- headlines:
Eight Great Auto Questions
By TOM TORBJORNSEN
http://autos.aol.com/article/auto-repair/_a/eight-great-auto-questions/20070322224109990001
1. Why do brakes squeal or squeak?
"Brake squeal is the result of a high-pitched vibration of the brake pads."
A Ned Beatty squeal is the result of a redneck who liked his "purty mouth."
"Brake squeal [like Ned Beatty squeal] is the result of the composition of the brake pads being too hard." But if the brake pads were too soft, well, that happens to a lot of cars, really it's no big deal. You'll get his motor running soon.
Finally, the article concludes, "Brake pads come from the factory with anti-rattle clips, pad insulator shims, and sometimes a silicone backing that literally glues the pad to the caliper."
I have no sexual analogy (ha ha, ANALogy), I just understood about 4 words in that sentence.
Doesn't "shims and calipers" sound like an English delicacy?
You gotta have your shims, calipers, full thrust tramperpods that secure the lexicon prawns to the chad and the fallopian tubes.
From AOL.com homepage-- headlines:
Eight Great Auto Questions
By TOM TORBJORNSEN
http://autos.aol.com/article/auto-repair/_a/eight-great-auto-questions/20070322224109990001
1. Why do brakes squeal or squeak?
"Brake squeal is the result of a high-pitched vibration of the brake pads."
A Ned Beatty squeal is the result of a redneck who liked his "purty mouth."
"Brake squeal [like Ned Beatty squeal] is the result of the composition of the brake pads being too hard." But if the brake pads were too soft, well, that happens to a lot of cars, really it's no big deal. You'll get his motor running soon.
Finally, the article concludes, "Brake pads come from the factory with anti-rattle clips, pad insulator shims, and sometimes a silicone backing that literally glues the pad to the caliper."
I have no sexual analogy (ha ha, ANALogy), I just understood about 4 words in that sentence.
Doesn't "shims and calipers" sound like an English delicacy?
You gotta have your shims, calipers, full thrust tramperpods that secure the lexicon prawns to the chad and the fallopian tubes.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Other White Meat
Do pigs give each other human-y back rides?
Do piglets keep their pig money in people-y banks?
When the farmer has sex with a pig, then kills him and eats him, does he file the pig as a dependant or as an expenditure?
Do piglets keep their pig money in people-y banks?
When the farmer has sex with a pig, then kills him and eats him, does he file the pig as a dependant or as an expenditure?
Under-Age Text
A couple more teachers have been found putting their hanky in their students' pankies.
Uncool.
But now a lot of sexual predators (where's Sexual Schwarzenegger when you need him?) are pursuing their sexual prey via text messaging on cell phones.
With those tiny buttons. Too difficult.
"Show me your pens!"
"Squeeze my tots!"
"Lick my aunt!"
The PR people of Bic, Ore-Ida and mothers' sisters had no comment.
Uncool.
But now a lot of sexual predators (where's Sexual Schwarzenegger when you need him?) are pursuing their sexual prey via text messaging on cell phones.
With those tiny buttons. Too difficult.
"Show me your pens!"
"Squeeze my tots!"
"Lick my aunt!"
The PR people of Bic, Ore-Ida and mothers' sisters had no comment.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
My Mother's Logic
Zack: Bill is on his way here now.
Mom: Oh my God, I don't even have make-up on!
Zack: Mom, Bill is gay.
Mom: All the more reason.
Huh???
Mom: Oh my God, I don't even have make-up on!
Zack: Mom, Bill is gay.
Mom: All the more reason.
Huh???
Friday, January 11, 2008
Yours Truly on YouTube... again
What's that? You want ANOTHER video of me on youtube?
You sure are a glutton for... talent!!
World War 1 Guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs_lAFQgQro&feature=related
You sure are a glutton for... talent!!
World War 1 Guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs_lAFQgQro&feature=related
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Fresh Prince of B.S.
The beginning of 1997's "Men In Black":
Will Smith chases an alien through the streets of Manhattan, into the Guggenheim Museum, shooting the glass out of the front door to get in.
My roommate: "Shouldn't an alarm go off? I mean, it IS the Guggenheim."
A TMBS moment:
"This Movie's Bullshit!"
That is why I can't get into the movie about the Fresh Prince chasing extra-terrestrials around New York City... the faulty security system at the Guggenheim!
Will Smith chases an alien through the streets of Manhattan, into the Guggenheim Museum, shooting the glass out of the front door to get in.
My roommate: "Shouldn't an alarm go off? I mean, it IS the Guggenheim."
A TMBS moment:
"This Movie's Bullshit!"
That is why I can't get into the movie about the Fresh Prince chasing extra-terrestrials around New York City... the faulty security system at the Guggenheim!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Lost in Translation
After graduating from college, I sat down with my brother to reminisce about our respective educations.
"S0" he said, "You've been going to Jewish school for 17 years. Nearly two decades of Jewish education... So speak some Hebrew."
"No," I hesitated. "I don't want to."
"Come on, do it!" he insisted.
"No."
"Let's hear some Hebrew! Hebrew, come on! Hebrew!!"
And I sputterd out the first Hebrew that came to mind:
"Oo-lie cookie vagina."
For those of you unaccostomed to the language of the slaves,
Translated into English that means "Maybe, cookie vagina."
17 year of Hebrew book learnin', and that is what it comes down to:
"Maybe, cookie vagina."
I couldn't even DECIDE!
"MAYBE cookie, vagina."
... Come to think of it, that is a tough decision...
Both are moist, addictive, and leave your hands all messy.
And if you eat too much of either, you'll need innoculations later on.
"S0" he said, "You've been going to Jewish school for 17 years. Nearly two decades of Jewish education... So speak some Hebrew."
"No," I hesitated. "I don't want to."
"Come on, do it!" he insisted.
"No."
"Let's hear some Hebrew! Hebrew, come on! Hebrew!!"
And I sputterd out the first Hebrew that came to mind:
"Oo-lie cookie vagina."
For those of you unaccostomed to the language of the slaves,
Translated into English that means "Maybe, cookie vagina."
17 year of Hebrew book learnin', and that is what it comes down to:
"Maybe, cookie vagina."
I couldn't even DECIDE!
"MAYBE cookie, vagina."
... Come to think of it, that is a tough decision...
Both are moist, addictive, and leave your hands all messy.
And if you eat too much of either, you'll need innoculations later on.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
She's a poet
"Hi Sweetie. There are a lot of guys here.
Don't worry, I only have eyes for you.
I stole them, like Tom Cruise did in Minority Report."
-- DSB
Don't worry, I only have eyes for you.
I stole them, like Tom Cruise did in Minority Report."
-- DSB
"For Better or For Worse"
From IMDB.com:
"A new biography of Tom Cruise claims he was encouraged to end his marriage to Nicole Kidman by Scientology bosses. Andrew Morton's controversial new book alleges that in 1999 Cruise took a Scientology course that would identify 'those in his life who create problems and difficulties.' Kidman was identified as such."
(http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/2008-01-08/#2)
Really???
A wife creates problems and difficulties for her husband?
Yup.
It's called Marriage!!!
And vice-versa.
A recent study shows men speak an average of 15,000 words a day.
Women speak an average of 30,000 words a day.
Hmmmmm.
Why?
Woman: "Because we have to repeat everything for our dumb-ass men."
Man: "What?"
Woman: "See."
Man: "No, it's because men have this pesky habit-- once we finish making our point, we stop speaking. Women don't let such minutae bother them."
"A new biography of Tom Cruise claims he was encouraged to end his marriage to Nicole Kidman by Scientology bosses. Andrew Morton's controversial new book alleges that in 1999 Cruise took a Scientology course that would identify 'those in his life who create problems and difficulties.' Kidman was identified as such."
(http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/2008-01-08/#2)
Really???
A wife creates problems and difficulties for her husband?
Yup.
It's called Marriage!!!
And vice-versa.
A recent study shows men speak an average of 15,000 words a day.
Women speak an average of 30,000 words a day.
Hmmmmm.
Why?
Woman: "Because we have to repeat everything for our dumb-ass men."
Man: "What?"
Woman: "See."
Man: "No, it's because men have this pesky habit-- once we finish making our point, we stop speaking. Women don't let such minutae bother them."
Monday, January 7, 2008
Drugs and Kisses
I am too lazy to be a drug user.
Alcohol is the drug for the lazy man-- it's accessible and it's legal, but most importantly it's easy to use. All you need are opposable thumbs to unscrew the cap. Then ingest.
I could never use heroin because it's too much like cooking.
I can't even microwave a slice of pizza without burning the roof of my mouth on the cheese.
How the heck am I supposed to handle a lighter and a crooked spoon simultaneously, then use a needle and tie a belt simultaneously?!
Jesus, this is a team-sport drug.
Say what you will about hard drug users, they have their work cut out for them. If anyone can multi-task, it's them!
That must be why so many rock stars meet their demise from hard drugs: guitar strumming uses two hands, just like rolling a joint or shooting up heroin-- Jimi Hendrix, Dee Dee Ramone, Hank Williams, Kurt Cobain.
But people write with one hand, and you only need one hand to hold a drink, that's why writers become alcoholics-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemigway, Jack Kerouac, John Steinbeck, Dylan Thomas.
You know who never smoked so much as one cigarette in her life?
Rosie O'Donnell.
But you should avoid drugs anyway.
And if you avoid drugs and booze you'll save money, and any "musician" or "writer" needs all the money they can get.
Alcohol is the drug for the lazy man-- it's accessible and it's legal, but most importantly it's easy to use. All you need are opposable thumbs to unscrew the cap. Then ingest.
I could never use heroin because it's too much like cooking.
I can't even microwave a slice of pizza without burning the roof of my mouth on the cheese.
How the heck am I supposed to handle a lighter and a crooked spoon simultaneously, then use a needle and tie a belt simultaneously?!
Jesus, this is a team-sport drug.
Say what you will about hard drug users, they have their work cut out for them. If anyone can multi-task, it's them!
That must be why so many rock stars meet their demise from hard drugs: guitar strumming uses two hands, just like rolling a joint or shooting up heroin-- Jimi Hendrix, Dee Dee Ramone, Hank Williams, Kurt Cobain.
But people write with one hand, and you only need one hand to hold a drink, that's why writers become alcoholics-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemigway, Jack Kerouac, John Steinbeck, Dylan Thomas.
You know who never smoked so much as one cigarette in her life?
Rosie O'Donnell.
But you should avoid drugs anyway.
And if you avoid drugs and booze you'll save money, and any "musician" or "writer" needs all the money they can get.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The Ragman's Son
just saw a small part of the Democratic Candidates Debate.
I've seen enough!
John Edwards (from South Carolina) said that his father was a millworker for 37 years.
He's got MY vote.
He's just like me. Except my dad worked in Phialdelphia public schools for 37 years.
Same thing.
My pop gristed the brains of young people, separating the wheat from the chaff, even though the chaff thought "Of Mice and Men" was a biography of Walt Disney.
Also, the chaff tried to stab him.
I've seen enough!
John Edwards (from South Carolina) said that his father was a millworker for 37 years.
He's got MY vote.
He's just like me. Except my dad worked in Phialdelphia public schools for 37 years.
Same thing.
My pop gristed the brains of young people, separating the wheat from the chaff, even though the chaff thought "Of Mice and Men" was a biography of Walt Disney.
Also, the chaff tried to stab him.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
I'm Gonna Live Forever
What it means to be famous:
Kids will read about you in history books!
Your name will be in up lights!
Kids will read about you in books that light up!
Y'know, like those sneakers that were outlawed by the NBA, so whenever a librarian drops the book about you, it will light up, thereby scaring away cockroaches!
Kids will read about you in history books!
Your name will be in up lights!
Kids will read about you in books that light up!
Y'know, like those sneakers that were outlawed by the NBA, so whenever a librarian drops the book about you, it will light up, thereby scaring away cockroaches!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Blow Hard
I'm learning to play the harmonica.
It's the perfect instrument for those of you who like the sound of, but don't have the hand-eye coordination for, bagpipes!
I like breathing, but I wish it sounded more annoying!
The kazoo is for morons,
the trumpet is for geniuses,
but the harmonica is the lukewarm musical porridge for the everyman.
It's the perfect instrument for those of you who like the sound of, but don't have the hand-eye coordination for, bagpipes!
I like breathing, but I wish it sounded more annoying!
The kazoo is for morons,
the trumpet is for geniuses,
but the harmonica is the lukewarm musical porridge for the everyman.
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